I’ve been taught about God’s will and believe in it. But in the case of my mom, God’s will, or God’s plan for my mom meant that she had to die. And she died at a time that none of expected, wanted, or were ready for. My mom’s death was a big test of my faith, but in the end, my faith in God was strengthened.
1 John 5:14-15 says: “And we have this confidence in him, that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in regard to whatever we ask, we know that what we have asked him for is ours.”
The Bible verses I quoted above are in a book I recently read. I skimmed over these verses as they were at the top of a chapter, stopped, and then read them again. And as I read these words, the realization of my mom’s death hit me. I also painfully understood why my mom died – it was God’s will.
When my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, I prayed for God to heal her. I asked for a miracle. I know that not too many people live after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, but there are those who do. I believe that God answers prayer and believed that he would answer my prayer. I just kept praying because I wanted so badly for my mom to live and she herself wanted to live. My mom did not want to leave us, especially the kids. This is something she told me several times. So I just kept praying, and asking, and hoping, and trusting that God would answer my prayer and save my mom. In my mind, I knew that my mom would live if it was part of God’s plan. But I got caught up in my emotions, my love for my mom, my deep desire for her to stay with us here on Earth. I kept praying and basically forgot about God’s plan for all of us.
This is difficult for me to explain and kind of hard to talk about. When I read those Bible verses a few days ago, I realized that it was not God’s will for my mom to live. It was not God’s will for my mom to beat pancreatic cancer. It didn’t matter what I prayed, it didn’t matter what I wanted. God heard my prayers but they weren’t in accordance with his will and that’s a hard thing for me to accept emotionally.
God did answer one prayer though and it was thankfully answered very quickly. What the cancer did to my mom physically and mentally was hard to watch, especially during the last few weeks of her life. On November 16th at around 8:15 am, I prayed to God to take my mom home. She was in so much pain, couldn’t even lift her head anymore, and had stopped eating and drinking the day before. I feared my mom would go on for days like this and I just wanted her to be at peace. Less than 3 hours later, God answered this prayer. For that I am grateful.
God’s will. I believe in it. I try very hard to accept it and live by it. But, at times, it really hurts.