Tonight, I am lying in bed, willing myself to go to sleep, and my thoughts turn to my mom. Instead of just saying goodnight to her, my brain turns on and one thought keeps going through my head. It’s hard being a mom without a mom. In fact, sometimes it just plain sucks. On Friday, I wrote a very brief thought about my circle of frustration. Something happened with my daughter and I was at my wit’s end. I was extremely frustrated. But now I realize that my frustration had less to do with my daughter and more to do with the fact that when things happen I can’t talk to my mom about them. I was blessed with a wonderful mom and now she’s gone. My heart catches in my throat as I write this, tears in my eyes. I will never have a mom again and it hurts.
There are times when I see a mother and daughter sitting and talking, or having dinner together, or going out shopping together, or making plans for the future together, and I think “I really wish I could do that with my mom.” I think about all the years I had when my mom was still here and I was just too busy with work or the kids or something, so we didn’t do a lot of mother-daughter things together. I always thought we’d have more time, and then she was gone. Now I would give anything to be able to go back and do it over again or to be able to have more time with my mom. I miss my mom not only for me, but for my kids too. My mother was a wonderful grandmother. I can picture her playing ball with my son or reading a book to my daughter. She wanted to spend time with them and loved being with them. She seemed to make every moment with her grandkids meaningful. I can’t count the number of times in the past three and a half years when I’ve thought “I wish my mom could see this.”
Things have changed so much since my mom died that sometimes I take a step back from my life just to make sure it’s real. I think “is this really how things are now” or ”how can my mom be gone.” Sometimes I feel like my mom is fading from our lives. I know she is gone and I’ve accepted her death, but I made a promise to her that I would keep her memory alive for the kids and it’s a promise I will always try to honor. I don’t feel my mom’s presence anymore when I walk into the house she shared with my dad for probably 35 years, my childhood home. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even fit in there anymore. I know things have to keep moving forward in life, but that tidbit of knowledge doesn’t make the pain any less real at times.
My mom was always there for me and my family. I never truly acknowledged until tonight just how hard it is to be a mom without a mom and how much I hate it. I miss you Mom and I love you. Goodnight and I hope to see you in my dreams.