My mom has been gone for 4 years, and I have been writing my blog for the same amount of time. There are times when I write post after post, and other times when my blog is silent. My blog is so specific in its content that I wonder if I should keep writing. Are my words helping anyone anymore? During the past few months, the number of visitors to my blog has risen and I’ve gained more followers. But this is not the reason I’ve decided to keep writing. I write because I need to. I write because I know others read my words and sometimes leave comments, and those comments help me. I write because I still deeply miss my mom.
My mom is dead. I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer. I watched as the cancer slowly took away pieces of her life, no matter how hard she fought against it. Her will to live was strong, but the cancer was stronger. I tried to help my mom fight her battle against pancreatic cancer for almost a year. I watched as it turned her into a walking skeleton. I lived through this with my mom. I saw her lifeless body in the chair in my parents’ bedroom. Yet, there are still times when I cannot believe she is gone.
As I write these words, tears are falling down my cheeks. There is a familiar ache in my heart. Should I still be grieving after 4 years? Does the pain of loss ever end? Am I crazy for still missing my mom? I know it would be worse if I was in denial and did not acknowledge that I am still grieving over the death of my mom. For those of us who have lost loved ones, denial is world we cannot live in. We need to grieve because through grief there is healing, no matter how much it hurts. And yes, I have healed and moved forward with my life. But I get tripped up every once in a while. Sometimes I know the reason. Other times I don’t.
For years grief dictated the way I lived. I lived in the shadows of grief, unable to see the joys in my life. I really wasn’t living. I was merely existing and going through the motions of life. But I was suffering and my family was suffering because I was unable to move forward. Slowly, the clouds of grief started to clear. I accepted that my mom is gone. I accepted that grief is a part of my life that I need to work through. I began to really live again. Grief still rains down at times in my life, but like the weather, there are cloudy days and sunny ones. I know my mom would want my life to be filled with sunny days.
My mom is gone and I am healing from her loss. I still bear the wounds and the scars from her illness and death, and probably always will. There will come a day when the wounds will heal and it will not hurt so much, but I will always miss my mom. When my mom first died, I did not know how to live without her. This is something I have learned to do, although I will always wish that she were still here with her family. I know that she is with us in spirit and always will be. I will continue to write in memory of my mom, as a way of healing, and hopefully helping others along the way.