Kathy's Blog: Healing from the Loss of a Parent

My mom died on March 1, 2010 from pancreatic cancer. She was 66 years old and seemingly very healthy…active and physically fit.

I live far away from where she lived, but I spent so much time with her in her last four months. She was diagnosed on November 6, 2009. As time goes by, I long for her. I am so lost without her and I miss her more and more.

Looking at photographs of her is getting harder because I feel like I am being teased. I want her in person, not in photos.

The end of her life was the beginning of a new suffering for me. I am so very very sad.

Kathy,

Your blog is a true tribute to your mummy and reminded me so much of my journey through grief. I created a blog after my dear mummy passed away from Ovarian Cancer in March 2009.

http://www.emmybelding.tumblr.com

I know our mother’s look down upon us and beam with joy as their daughters spread awareness and honor their memory.

God Bless You

God blessed me by bringing you into my life. I call you my sister by choice, as our bond is stronger then best friends. Although life is busy, and we no longer live as close, know I will be here for you forever. I love you my sister. I am so proud of you and I know your mom is too. OXOXO

Well I had started typing and somehow it erased so let me try this again. My Mother just recently passed 1/1/2013. Its still very fresh to me. I am trying to learn how to live this life without my Mother. I feel so LOST left to face all my responsibilities Alone. I am a Mother myself of 2 young children 5 years and 7 years. We or I was called back home by Jesus, he knew my Mother needed me. My Mommy had many aliments but the one I know took her away from this earth was HIV… I became quite fond of my Mother in these last 4 years; I along with my children were her primary care takers. In which I stifled with a bit because I suffer from OCD and anyone that knows me knows I’m a germ freak, it got worse when I became a Mother. Anyhow it was a task for me to just watch the illnesses take my Mother out. I’ve idolized my Mother since I can remember; she was smart, overflowing with charisma, a boss, strong, and always the life of the party. What girl wouldn’t Love a Mama like such; we bumped heads a lot because the same attributes my Mother was made of so am I. So, I studied read up on her aliments and begin to execute what God assigned me to do. It was no cake walk watching this woman go through and fight such a battle. Having buried her son @ the age of 16, fighting HIV, and raising 4 children alone. I know had to be a difficult task, my 2 wear me out some days. I remember my Mother’s and I conversations; miss her is an understatement. I’m left her alone to decide alone, face responsibility alone no one to encourage me, no one to share my trials and tribulations with, no one to Love me like Mommy. This is a cruel heartless world; who really cares? I honored everything my Mother requested during my time with her; she was such a classy woman. Nothing was to much to her and such a giving person if she loved or liked you, you knew it and if she didn’t care for you, you knew that too. I let a lot go when I came to stay with my Mother, but was enriched with so much quality time and when you become a personal care giver you develop a keen sense of self-worth. I was the only one in my Family that stepped up, they say there is usually only one family member to do such; well i guess that was me. I tell you I wasn’t sad of my Mother passing I am sad because we became so close and shared so much these last 4 years It is very hard to find one person who loves you for you in the entire world that one person was my Mother. That woman loved me and used to tell me often I don’t know what I would do without you and now I feel the same. What am I to do without her. She fought a long hard battle I never knew how long my Mother suffered from HIV but once she passed and I spoke with her physician he confirmed that my Mother had been fighting HIV since 1989. Its 2013 and not only that I’m 35 years young: my Mommy didn’t tell me of her illness til I was 25 just 10 years ago. So for her to have carried such a heavy burden all those years and to fight so long is Amazing. My Mother was a very private woman she didn’t want company over and rarely expected nothing from no one. She was so proud!!! I just feel some kind of way when I think of the time in all of this, my poor Mama. To keep keeping on knowing the fight she was up against. She had some really good doctors and also retired from the government which afforded her medications. When my Mother’s health began to decline I knew a part of her was tired of fighting. She always reminded me of how our time was special us with her me and the children. I need my Mother so much right now. Up against all kinds of hurdles haven’t yet really grieved for my Mother due to the fact of not knowing where myself and the children will be residing, no funds to do such moves, wasn’t working cause I was home caring for Mom, w/o Money how does one even begin to pick up. I need to confer with my Mother I need help with making these moves support although I am 35 years young I was my Mother’s child and I feel so lost. I wonder when I will be able to smile at the thought of remembrance of my Mother. I stay busy to keep from crying and i have enough to stay busy. All that took the time to read this please PRAY for ME and MY CHILDREN. I’m in for the long walk and walking alone just doesn’t seem right. Missing my Mother’s presence. I feel somewhat better cause I was a wreck when I sat down to search for Help with my Issues of Learning to Live w/o Mom. Thank you for providing an outlet.