Posted by: Kathy | July 2, 2009

The Loss I Feel

All I know from my own experience is that the more loss we feel the more grateful we should be for whatever it was we had to lose. It means we had something worth grieving for. The ones I’m sorry for are the ones that go through life not even knowing what grief is.”  – Frank O’Connor

There are days when my grief is very raw, and the pain of my mom’s death rips through me like it just happened yesterday. It’s like a wound that never completely heals. Some days I’ll feel happy because things in my life are good and even though my mom is gone I know she’s at peace. But then there are days when a sadness surrounds me and the tears keep falling because I miss my mom so much.

My mom was a good person. She genuinely cared about people and it seemed liked my mom was happy if we were happy. She pushed me to be a better person and I would tell her to stop nagging me or stop worrying about me. But that was my mom and she only wanted the best for me.

I don’t know how to fill the void my mom’s death left in my life. At times I wish I could stuff something, anything, there to stop the pain and the hurt I still feel. Some days that ache is there from the time I wake up until I go to sleep again. A constant reminder of what I lost. But there is nothing that can fill that void, or take away the pain, because as my dad said, my mom was unique. Who she was to me and the role she played in my life were special and meant only for her.

So I can’t fill the void, but the ache can be lessened with love – love from my husband, my dad, and my kids. Those four people are my true family, the one’s I can depend on, and the people I would do anything for. I’m grateful for the relationship I’ve developed with my dad and how close we are now. I’m grateful for my husband and all the support and love he gives to me. I’m grateful for my two beautiful children, who make me laugh and touch my heart with the things they say and do. And I am grateful for the person my mother was and the care and the love she gave me as only a mom could.

I can relate to the quote above from Frank O’Connor, and in thinking of his quote and my mom, one of my own comes to mind. “The pain doesn’t come from just losing a mom, it’s there because of the mom I lost.”

I love you, Mom.

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