Posted by: Kathy | September 6, 2009

Anger Revisted

I’ve spoken about anger before. Unfortunately, it’s one of the deepest emotions I feel when it comes to my mom’s death. My mom has been gone for almost 10 months now, and over that time things have happened, and my anger has changed. When I wrote my other post about anger, I wasn’t angry at God for what happened to my mom. As a Christian, part of me feels that I don’t have the right to be mad at God. But I am, and I’m only deceiving myself if I don’t admit to the truth. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been able to let go of this anger, because I haven’t been truthful, even to myself. A good friend told me that anger hides pain, and she may be right. All I know is the anger I feel.

Why am I angry at God? He took my mom away – from me, from my dad, from my kids. It may seem like a stupid reason since everyone dies at some point, but it’s all about timing. My mom had retired a few months before she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. There was so much she was planning to do, including spending one day a week with her granddaughter. But my mom never got the time to do any of the things that she wanted to do. And she never got that special time with her granddaughter. There are tears in my eyes as I write these words, an ache in my chest. This is the root of my deepest anger.

My grandparents, my mom’s parents, were a big part of my life. And I was very fortunate to have them as part of my life for a very long time. I was 30 years old when I lost my grandfather. My grandmother died only 3 years before my mom did. Both of my grandparents were in their 90s. My parents followed in those footsteps, becoming very active in my kids’ lives. My son saw his grandparents at least once a week,  as he slept at their house every Friday night from age 3 on. He took vacations with them, went on day trips with them, and has lots of wonderful memories and pictures of times he spent with his grandparents. Unfortunately, as I mentioned in another post, this isn’t true for my daughter. It’s something I struggle with.

As I said, it all has to do with timing. If God had given my mom a little more time, my daughter would have at least one concrete memory or two of my mom or something she did with her. But Nikki only knows her grandmother through pictures and the stories I tell. I know I can keep my mom’s memory alive and one day my daughter will know her grandmother and understand how much she was loved, but it doesn’t replace real memories.

It’s very painful at times, especially when we do something together as a family that my mom would have been part of, to see what my mom is missing in her grandkids’ lives. She loved them so much and cherished being a part of all that they did. I still talk to my mom. I tell her about what the kids are doing, ask for advice. I often wonder if she hears me.

I know I can’t continue to hold on to this anger because it will eat away at me. Hopefully as time passes, I can let go, and maybe through prayer, I can even gain a little understanding. Hopefully…all I know at the moment is the anger I feel.

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