Posted by: Kathy | September 15, 2009

Just 5 Minutes

Dear Mom:

It’s been 10 months and I still have trouble believing you’re really gone. I look at your picture, think of times we’ve shared together, and I wish I could go back. I wish I could go back and do things differently than I did in the past. You were always there, just a phone call away. Always willing to help me, always willing to talk. But I was too busy or thought I knew what was best, and I pushed you away. I am so sorry. I realize now how differently things could have been if only I had just let down my guard and let you in.

I was so stupid, I feel like I wasted the time we had together. I always thought we’d have more time, that I would have more time to make things right. I feel like I was a horrible daughter to you at times, with things I said or didn’t say, things I did or didn’t do. When I realized how wrong I’d been, I tried to make things right. I hope you know that I loved you, no matter what I said or did. I still love you.

I’m having a really hard time getting over your death. I cry when no one is around, but then hide what I’m feeling when I’m with others. I don’t want to talk about it. I can’t because it hurts too much. I talk to you, and wonder if you hear me. Do you know how much I miss you, how sorry I am that you’re gone?

I never realized all that you did until you were gone. I didn’t realize how much you meant to me, the impact you had on my life. I wish I could thank you for all that you did for me. I know you’d say that you did it because you loved me and because you’re my mom and that I’d do the same things for my kids. I don’t think you ever realized all that you did for people and how much it meant to them.

I wish I could go back. I wish I had just 5 minutes with you again to tell you how much I love you, to look into your eyes, to hear your voice, to truly thank you for all that you gave me in life and for helping me to be the person I’ve become.

I love you, Mom. I so deeply miss you.

Kathryn

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