Posted by: Kathy | October 30, 2009

Halloween – Present and Past

The tears fall more easily now as the anniversary of my mom’s death gets closer, and I am reminded of particular days from when my mom was still with us. Today my husband and I attended Halloween parades for both our kids. I was deeply saddened by the fact that my mom was not standing by my side.

Waiting for my son’s Halloween parade to start, I saw relatives of all ages. What really stood out to me were the grandparents. Two years ago, my mom was here with us. Last year, she was just too sick to come and missed both the kids’ parades, my daughter’s first at daycare. But the kids went to my parents’ house for dinner and to carve pumpkins before going trick or treating last year, so my mom got to see their costumes. Now my mom is gone. There were tears in my eyes as I thought of what she was missing. I was trying so hard not to cry as we waited for the parade to start.  This was my son’s last school Halloween parade, and all I could feel was loss. I wondered if my mom was watching from Heaven.

The parade started and I watched as the kids march passed us – happy, carefree, laughing, and just having fun being a kid. My depressed mood slowly lifted and I found myself enjoying the parade. It’s funny because it was always the kids who brightened my mom’s mood, made her smile, even at the end when she was very sick. By Halloween, I don’t think my mom completely understood what was going on, as she seemed to slip in and out of reality. Physically, my mom was so thin and gaunt, like a skeleton herself.

My daughter’s parade was easier for me than my son’s had been at first. I think it was because my mom never attended one of my daughter’s Halloween parades. There was no painful reminder from the past, just the wish that my mom could have been there to see how beautiful my daughter looked.

On the way home, we were talking about my daughter’s friends. I asked her if she could invite anyone to our house who would it be. She said “Grandmom Angel”. I didn’t think of it much at the time, probably because I wanted her to focus on her friends. But now I wonder where that came from. Why did she think of my mom as the one person she wanted to visit, especially when she’d just been with all her friends? I’m going to ask her why she said that, even though she probably won’t remember since she’ only three. But no matter what she says, it’s nice to know that she was thinking of my mom, her “Grandmom Angel”.

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Responses

  1. I just came upon your blog again. It’s nice to tune in to your virtual world. I read the Halloween post and your daughter’s comment about Grandmom Angel. How wonderful that almost a year later she still is so close to her grandmom in some unexplainable way. It’s amazing! Hope you and your family are well. I really like reading your posts-you express so many feelings that are conveyed so clearly in your writing. I will try to visit your blog more often. I think your mother was watching both parades and your daughter was sharing an awareness of her presence.

  2. Oh Kathy I can feel how raw your pain is. The first anniversary is approaching for both of us, yours closer than mine and I just want you to know that I am praying for you and willing you my love. Nothing I say will take away the pain I know that. Just take care of you and do whatever gives you some comfort.
    Hugs,
    Trish xx


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