Posted by: Kathy | November 5, 2009

Everyone Dies

I was reading a book last night and in it were the words “of course I know everyone has to die”. This is something I know as well. Even my 10-year-old son knows that people die and that’s just what happens, although I’m sure he doesn’t think about it. Last night I was talking to my aunt on the phone and mentioned how my father’s name will be on the gravestone and how hard that will be for me to see, especially since he’s still very much with us and his death is not something I even want to come close to thinking about. I can’t remember exactly what she said to me, but it had something to do with that this is a fact of life. She is correct.

But when I think about death, it’s not “everyone” or even “anyone”, it’s my mom who died. A someone. A person very real and close to me. She wasn’t just anyone, she was my mother, and there is no one in this world who can replace her in my life.

Yes, death is a part of life. I will die, my dad will die, my husband will die, and one day my kids will die. But knowing this fact doesn’t stop the tears or the pain or the heartache that follows the death of a loved one. Death may be a known fact, but its emotional impact is far reaching and cannot truly be prepared for. I knew my mom was dying weeks before the actual event occurred. But her death still came as a shock to me, a huge jolt to my life. Even though I knew it was coming, I couldn’t even begin to imagine how it would affect me. And my mom’s death has affected me in many unexpected ways. Her death continues to affect me.

This is hard. I find myself near tears a lot these days, and I often cry for what seems to be no reason at all. But there is a reason – my mom is gone, the 1 year anniversary of her death is fast approaching, and I deeply miss her. I have not come to terms with her death yet. I still cannot accept the fact that my mom is gone and won’t be coming back.

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