Posted by: Kathy | November 10, 2009

Hiding My Grief

The 1 year anniversary of my mom’s death looms before me, coming closer and closer with each passing minute. The tears are always there now, clouding my vision every time I think about next Monday and what that date means. I am not prepared for it and my grief is overwhelming.

The stone will be there. The stone whose mere picture turned my world upside down. How will I handle the real thing? Can my heart bear seeing not only my mom’s name and date of death permanently etched into the stone, but my dad’s name as well? A foretelling of the future – one that I know will come eventually but am not ready to face. I can see myself dissolving into tears at the grave site. And this is something I’ve never done before. I have only visited my mom’s grave a few times in the past year and each time I’ve stayed strong. It’s almost like a dam has been holding back my emotions. But it can’t anymore, as the pain is just too strong and I need to finally let go.

I have not fully accepted my mom’s death and I think it’s because I haven’t allowed myself to really grieve. I have always tried to be strong for others, especially my kids. I go about my routine each day, trying to hide my inner pain. I mostly cry when I am alone because I don’t want anyone to see my tears. But holding all of this in has only made the pain worse. It has grown into a being all its own and I have not moved forward emotionally with my life. Now I am stuck in a world of longing – to see my mom again, to be able to say all the things I kept close to my heart and not revealed, to be able to share myself, my thoughts and feelings.

I closed my heart off to others, particularly my parents. It was a huge mistake and I feel like I missed out on so much, cheating myself and them. By the time I started to open up again it was basically too late. Now my mom is not here to talk to, to share my life with, or to ask for her forgiveness. One of the things that bothers me the most is all the lost time, the time I cannot get back with my mom.

But I know that this is not the way my mom would want me to live. She knew how much I loved her when she died and I knew how much she loved me. Moving on will not take away the love we shared or how much she meant to me. Grieving and healing will allow me to move forward so I can share all of myself with my husband, my kids, and my dad. I believe I am ready to take that first step.

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Responses

  1. Sweet Kathryn,

    It is the day after Christmas as I sit here looking for others hurting during the holidays.

    Cry, cry, and cry more. It is healing in itself and cleanses the body.

    Healing is absolute work and it is a part time job that is not optional for a healthy life here.

    I send an angel to you and hope you will find peace while on your journey.

    Peace Love and Hugs
    Diana

  2. Kathryn, we both may dissolve into tears- Monday will be a difficult day; but if we do, it will be allright. I cry as I write this as my heart aches for you. You have been too hard on yourself. You are a wonderful daughter and I know that mom knew of your love. Love need not be spoken as it is expressed in the closeness of our family. This joy grew with Matt’s birth and the many opportunities we had to share with both of you. The joy became greater when Tony became a part of our lives and both of you gave us Nikki. I asked for mom’s forgiveness and did so after our loss, yet I really don`t think this is or was necessary – she knows of our love and she will be with us on Monday. I pray she gives us the strength we ask for. This journey of grief is hard but one which we must travel and one paved with our love for her and each other. Dad


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