Posted by: Kathy | January 1, 2010

Looking Back at 2009

The year 2009 was a difficult one for me. It was a year of many firsts without my mom. It was a year filled with heartache, tears, and guilt. But it was also a year of personal growth, understanding, and forgiveness.

Many people have told me that the first year after a loved one dies is the hardest, especially since it is the first time that birthdays and holidays are celebrated without that person. And my mom’s presence was missed as we celebrated the family birthdays and all of the holidays. There was that empty seat that I spoke of in an earlier post, the one where my mom should have been. My mom was missed on “normal” days too, when I wish I could have picked up the phone and heard her voice, told her about my day. 

In many ways my mom was the head of our family. She planned all of the family get-togethers and was always looking for fun things that we could all do together. That role passed on to me when my mom died; it’s one I didn’t want and one I’ve had trouble filling. I feel lost without my mom. I never knew how much I looked to her for guidance until she was gone.

I started my blog site in December 2008, a few weeks after my mom died. But it was in May 2009 that I made a real commitment to my blog and started this one on WordPress. I re-wrote some of my old blogs, but basically started out new. I wanted my site to be a tribute to my mom, a source of info about pancreatic cancer, and a place to maybe, hopefully, help others dealing with the loss of a parent or loved one. I appreciate all the people who’ve read my words of loss and grief. I’ve been touched by people’s comments, words of encouragement, or just letting me know that they understand. I’ve met lots of different people, many who understand me, some I now call friends, and even a pancreatic cancer survivor. I hope in some small way I’ve touched the hearts of my readers. I want to take a minute to thank everyone who has visited my site, read my thoughts, and to wish you a happy, healthy 2010.

I begin 2010 much in the same way I began 2009. I miss my mom. The pain from her loss still remains in my heart, along with my love for her. But I’ve learned a few things over the past year and have begun to forgive myself for past wrongs, for things that I can’t fix. Less than a month ago, I wrote a letter to my mom, telling her all that I wish I had in life, and asking for her forgiveness. I tied the letter to 2 cross balloons and sent it to Heaven. I believe my mom knows what I wrote, and I will move on from here, healing a little bit with time. There wasn’t a day in 2009 when I didn’t think of my mom. I know it will be the same in 2010. Each day I will think of my mom and remember her in some way.

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Responses

  1. Kathy, Your Dad shared this blog with us. My mother died in her early 80’s and I still think of her every day, miss her, and have so many regrets. It is just part of living. John tells us about the children who sound delightful and so bright. Enjoy them and be the good mother that you are. This is the best tribute to Marcia whom I also think of very often. Love, Joyce


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