I’m going through a difficult time right now in that I really miss my mom and her loss seems fresh and new to me again. It’s like the wound that was closing has re-opened, leaving me vulnerable and in pain, unable to have complete control over my emotions. I wish I could take a needle and thread and close this wound completely. But I know from past experience that this is something I can’t do and I need to just ride this out and wait. My emotions will lessen. The pain will subside. But I know this “wound of loss” will never completely close.
Last Sunday, I woke up from a very brief dream in which I was talking to my mom and she was explaining how to do something. At first the dream was comforting. My mom was there. I saw her, talked with her. But then the dream made me realize how deeply I still miss my mom, how much I still need her. As I drove to church, the weight of my grief was overwhelming and the tears started to fall. It takes me about 25 minutes to drive to church and I cried entire time. I really thought I had pulled myself together by the time I got church. But, unfortunately, this wasn’t the case. The tears kept falling throughout the entire service. Every time I’d get my emotions under control, a verse of a song or something the pastor said would hit my heart and the tears would fall again. I never cry in public, so this was really difficult for me.
Yesterday, as I was driving to church, I found myself thinking of my mom. Again, tears came to my eyes and all I could think of was “please, not a repeat of last week”. As I drove, I tried to figure out why I was getting upset again. It hadn’t been the easiest of weeks for me emotionally. Yes, I miss my mom deeply and really do need her right now. By why start crying on my way to church again? I think it’s because I am still upset with God for taking my mom away from our family. Her death is something I still have trouble accepting and understanding. My mom was always so healthy. She ate right, exercised, and took care of herself. But inside of her, a deadly disease grew, unknown and unchecked. No one realized my mom had pancreatic cancer until it was too late, a common characteristic of this type of cancer. My mom didn’t even look sick until a few weeks before she died. And then the transformation was so quick, so drastic, it was frightening. It still hurts to think of how my mom died. She was in so much pain and became too weak to even lift her head. That image is burned into my heart and mind.
I don’t understand why mom had to die when she did. I don’t understand why my mom had to suffer like she did. I doubt I will ever understand. Questions will always remain. The wound that was caused by my mom’s illness and death will never completely heal. And the tears will always fall from time to time. But I guess that’s what happens when you lose someone close to you, to a disease that can’t be controlled, and at a time that was so unexpected.