Posted by: Kathy | April 25, 2010

More Than Just Spirit

Yesterday, my friend’s son celebrated his first communion. It was an important day for the entire family. Church often reminds me of my mom because she is the one who always took my brother and I to church when we were kids. Church and family were important to my mom and she instilled that importance into me.

As I sat in the pew yesterday with my son, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of sadness. The organist played the same song over and over again as the communicants assembled at the back of the church and then walked down the aisle with their parents. I could feel tears forming in my eyes and I wanted so badly not to start crying, not in a church that I didn’t belong to, and definitely not in front of my son. But that choice wasn’t mine.

So there I sat and then stood, tears silently running down my checks, as I desperately tried to get ahold of my emotions. My son asked what was wrong and I told him the truth – I missed Grandmom. I apologized to him for crying. For some reason, it’s being in church and events such as these that remind me so much of my mom. And my heart just aches for her.

Yesterday I was strongly reminded of all the things that my mom will miss in the future. The important family events that she won’t be part of, except in spirit. There are small things like birthdays, outings, and anniversaries. But then there are big things as well, things I knew my mom longed to be a part of, like my when kids graduate from high school and even college.

When my mom was sick, she held onto the dream that one day she would dance at my son’s wedding. I don’t know how often she thought about it or when, but she told me more than once that her dream was to dance at her grandson’s wedding. I think it was my mom’s way of looking at the future and believing that she would beat pancreatic cancer.

Unfortunately, my mom didn’t beat pancreatic cancer and she won’t realize her dream of dancing with her grandson at his wedding. This is something that seems so unfair, so incredibly wrong, something I wish I could change but can’t. And each time I attend a family event, I will think of my mom and wish that she was here with us in more than just spirit.

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