Posted by: Kathy | June 2, 2010

Being Busy Doesn’t Take Away the Pain

I’ve been really busy at work lately. Long days, lots of stress, piles of work to get through. For over a week now I’ve been wanting to blog or at least respond to my latest comment. But I haven’t had the time, and when I do have time I just don’t have the energy. I apologize to my readers for being “AWOL” from my blog site. Although it doesn’t matter how busy or tired I am, the loss of my mom is never far from my thoughts.

There are always the little things that add to the longing I feel to seen my mom again or deepen my sense of loss. On Friday I went to a stamping class where I made some really nice cards. I had a lot of fun learning new techniques and spending time with friends. It’s been awhile since I’ve made a card or “played” with my stamps. Each card I made on Friday night had a different type of flower on it, and I was reminded of my mom because of her love of flowers. It hurt that I couldn’t show her the cards I made or even give her one. 

On Monday we went to my dad’s for a barbeque and of course there was that empty space at the table. I also went looking through my mom’s closet for summer clothes I could wear. Certain pieces brought back a memory, and my mom’s closet still smells like her. During family get-togethers, I often find myself looking at my kids and wishing my mom could see them. 

Today we lost a friend to pancreatic cancer. I didn’t know him but my dad did, and I knew about this man’s battle against this horrible disease. His wife came to the jewelry party I had last November in honor of my mom. He was a very close friend of someone I’ve known for many years. Although I didn’t know him I cried for his loss. I will be going to his viewing on Friday since my dad can’t go. I plan to do a blog in his honor. Another life stolen by pancreatic cancer.

So many things, big and small, remind me of my mom. She just pops into my thoughts and for a moment is with me again. I wish it could be for real and not just a picture in my mind. Life will never be the same for me now that my mom is gone. I guess it finally hit me that no matter how busy I am, no matter how quickly or slowly my days go by, my mom is with me in one way or another.

I love you, Mom.

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Responses

  1. Kathy, you write about the empty space at the table, your mom’s space. I understand. It is the empty space at the table, the perfect gift that I find for my mother while shopping, or a joke that she would have liked that hits me the hardest. These are the moments that take my breath away.

    Kathy, your writing is so real and honest. Thank you for sharing.

  2. Hi Kathy, I came across your blog by “accident” today, the 4 year anniversary of my Mom’s death. Like your Mom, she died of pancreatic cancer. And there isn’t a day that goes by without feeling the loss of my best friend. Just wanted to wish you well on your journey and tell you that it helped me today to remember I am not alone.

    Best to you, Laura


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