Posted by: Kathy | July 26, 2010

My Son’s Birthday

I started writing this post last Thursday and had every intention of posting it before the end of the week. But I couldn’t finish it. There was just too much emotion involved for me to be able to write. There’s always a lot of emotion surrounding thoughts of my mom and usually writing is my source of healing. But when I think about what my mom is missing in my kids’ lives, the pain just gets to be too much at times. She loved her grandkids so much, and all I can think about is how she should be here with them. 

Last Thursday my son, Matt, turned 11 years old. I’m sure I am like many parents as I sit here wondering where the last 11 years went and how they flew by so fast. This is the second birthday my son celebrated without his grandmother. Most of the special occasions celebrated by our family have reached their second “go around” without my mom. But the amount of time that has passed doesn’t matter on days like this because my mom should be here to share in the joy of the occasion. I tried very hard to shake the sadness and sense of loss that hung over me like a cloud last Thursday. I never let my son see how I was feeling since it was his special day. But I found my thoughts drifting to my mom whenever I was alone.  

The birth of my first child was something very special for me. It is a day that will never be forgotten. And it is an experience that I shared with my mom. I never planned to have my parents in the room at the exact moment my son was born. It was just something that happened. But I’m really glad my mom was there to see my son enter this world. My parents were thrilled to become grandparents. When my son was born, he also had four great-grandparents, a very rare thing. Mom Mom, the grandmother who I spoke of in my last post, was the great-grandparent who really got to know Matt and to have a relationship with him. Matt was the center of many family get-togethers. 

Matt at 1 day old with his grandmom and great-grandmother

 

My mom loved her grandkids so much and she truly enjoyed spending time with them. The thought of leaving them and not being able to see them grow up brought my mom great sadness. I believe that my mom’s love for her family is what allowed her to live for almost a year following her diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. And now I do my best to keep the promise that I made to her and keep my mom’s memory alive for both my kids. On Saturday after Matt’s birthday party, both kids sent balloons to Heaven for their grandmother. I stood with them and watched the balloons float through the darkness toward the stars. My mom will never be forgotten.

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Responses

  1. Kathy,

    Thanks for your comment on my blog … I understand the words that you have written here so well, as if I had written them myself. I don’t think anything prepares you for the loss of your parent who you love dearly. The world is so much less with out them to be a part of it. I struggle daily, and still dont think I am beginning to deal with it well. It was my Dad’s birthday yesterday and I just blanked the day … couldnt even acknowledge it or go there.
    One day at a time eh …

    Becky

  2. Kathy,
    I was a patient of your Dad for many years and he constantly talked about your Mom and you. He was esctatic when your son was born and I saw many pictures. I think this blog is a great thing for you and other people that have lost their Mom. I have referred it to them and they are getting some comfort. Thanks for sharing your feelings with others. It does help. I met your Mom once and it was a pleasure. Losing a parent is always difficult, but it just doesn’t seem fair that she is not here to watch her grandchildren grow up. You are on my prayer list and Dad too. Tell him I said hi. Again, thanks for sharing!!!


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