Posted by: Kathy | October 28, 2010

Moving Forward

I know that my mom is gone. I know that she is not coming back. But there’s a place in my heart that longs to see her again. A place in my heart that just can’t accept that my mom is not here with her family anymore. I will always miss and love my mom. I will always believe that she was taken from me, her family, her friends, much too early. But I have to keep moving forward because it is what my mom would want me to do.

I have to admit that moving forward has been very difficult for me. I’ve taken baby steps and continue to do so. I try to shield my heart from the things around me that scream “she’s not coming back”. It’s my way of healing from losing her. The tears continue to fall, the pain is still there. But the heartache from my mom’s battle with pancreatic cancer and her death has lessened and will continue to do so as the days, weeks, months, and years pass. I know that there will always be a raw, painful place in my heart that won’t heal from what happened and that’s okay. As long as I keep moving forward.

I don’t understand why my mom was taken from us and probably never will. But just as much as my mom’s death has had a negative impact on my life, it has also had a positive one. I often wonder what my mom would say if my she came back and saw who I am now.

Since my mom’s death, I have lost at least 70 lbs without even trying. There are days when the physical and emotional pain is so great that I just can’t eat. I’ve learned how to take care of myself during these times so I don’t get sick and I know that I will move forward and start eating again when my body is ready to.

I’ve grown emotionally over the past 2 years. Losing one of the most important people in my life, so unexpectedly and painfully, has helped me to appreciate my family and friends more. I cherish my family and hope and pray that nothing happens to them. I don’t think I’d survive another loss right now. I hope to have many more years with my father. I want to grow old with my husband. I pray that I will see my kids grow up and become adults. My wish is to be a loving grandmother to their kids, like my mom was to them.

Watching my mom fight against a disease that she just could not beat and die slowly before my eyes, helpless to do anything that could save her, brought me to my knees. It was a wake up call in a way as my world crumbled around me. But slowly I’m moving forward and leaving the past where it belongs, behind me in the past. I know there will continue to be painful days ahead of me, but I will get through them. I think my mom would be proud of me and who I’ve become.

I love you, Mom. Your spirit will always live in my heart. Thank you for all that you gave me and for all that you taught me.

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Responses

  1. Hi Kathy, your post brought me to tears. I just lost my mother through pancreatic cancer this Monday. Yesterday was her funeral, and I am still in disbelief that my strong, hardworking mother left us. If I only knew she would leave us, I would have been a better daughter. It breaks my heart to see my father crying. I am so terribly heartbroken that she is no longer with us anymore. I miss her so much already and I think about her every second of the day. I know that I have to move forward and live my life but I can’t seem to let it go. Thank you for sharing.

  2. You have helped me understand that I am not alone. Thank you.

  3. Hi Kathy –
    Your blog is so touching, and I’m truly sorry for your loss. I work with Navigating Cancer, and I would like to reach you to combine our efforts in bringing more awareness to pancreatic cancer. Please contact me at becky@navigatingcancer.com
    Thanks!
    Becky

  4. They never really leave us.


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