Posted by: Kathy | November 16, 2010

Two Years Without You

Today is the 2 year anniversary of my mom’s death. I took the day off from work because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to concentrate. I had planned to make a wreath or a cross and visit my mom’s grave for the first time in a year. But it’s raining here, and I feel as blah as it is outside. I have absolutely no energy. I haven’t done anything all day. It’s now dark outside, the day is almost over, and I feel like I’ve wasted the time I should be honoring my mom in some way.

I have so much in my life, so much to be thankful for, but a part of it feels empty without my mom. I think what I miss most about my mom is her love. It wasn’t until I had a child of my own that I understood the deep bond of love that can exist between a mother and a child. It wasn’t until I thought about how much I loved my son that I realized just how much my mom probably loved me. Growing up, we weren’t a family who frequently said “I love you,” although I knew that my parents loved me. But I didn’t truly understand the depth of this love until I realized how much I love my own children.

My mom had a passion for life and she cared about the people in her life. This was most evident with the love she had for her grandkids and how she fought against pancreatic cancer, fought to stay alive for them. During the last few weeks of my mom’s life, she was in a lot of pain. Yet she hung on until the day after my son’s black belt testing before letting go. Her love for her grandkids, her belief in her grandson’s ability to pass black belt testing, was stronger than the cancer that was stealing her life. To me, that says it all. 

We didn’t talk much about love. And believe me, there are so many things I wish I had said to my mom, so many things I wish we had talked about before she died. But even though we didn’t talk about love, my mom is the one person who taught me about love, especially about loving children. My mom wasn’t the perfect mother, and I’m not a perfect mother. But I believe that one of the most important things you can give to your children is love.

Two years ago, pancreatic cancer took my mom from her family and left a huge void in my life. That void is the loss of her love. Not only did I lose my mom, I lost someone who was always there for me, a friend, and someone who I’d planned to share many more years with. Even though the pain from my mom’s death has lessened, it will never completely go away. I will always miss my mom. I will always believe that she was taken from her family too soon and never understand why. Not a day will go by that I don’t think of my mom in some way. The only comfort I feel right now is that I know my mom is no longer suffering and that one day we will be reunited in Heaven. I love you, Mom.

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Responses

  1. This is a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing. I’m glad you can still celebrate your mom’s passion for life. That legacy of love will last forever. ❤


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