Posted by: Kathy | January 13, 2011

Time

Once again, time has slipped by and almost 2 weeks have gone by since I last posted. An idea has been floating around in my mind for over a week now. It came to me after reading an e-mail from someone who lost her mom too. But work and family issues have stopped me from taking the time to write. The funny thing is that my idea for this post has to do with time.

I know I’m not alone when I think that there will be more time to do something. Don’t get to it today, I’ll just do it tomorrow, or the next day. But what if there is no tomorrow? This is what happens when someone dies. It’s what happened when my mom died. Although her death was expected, suddenly she wasn’t here any more. I couldn’t see her, talk to her, hug her, nothing. She was gone and I was filled with the feelings of fear and loss. My fear surrounded a bunch of questions about the kind of time I spent with my mom. Did I do everything I needed to do with her? Did I say everything I needed to say to my mom? The answer to both of these questions is no. Even though I knew my mom was dying, I still thought there would be a tomorrow with her, and when there wasn’t, the sense of loss was unbearable. The guilt was even worse.

I am filled with questions I wished I had asked my mom, things I wished I had told her, and feelings I wished I had shared with her. The only solace I have is that I know my mom knew how much I loved her when she died. But even that doesn’t ease the pain at times or the regret I still carry with me. I always thought I had more time with my mother. She was the healthiest and most alive I person I’ve ever known. Even when she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, I held on to the hope that she would beat it, despite the odds she faced. And even after 2 years, there are times when I can’t believe my mom is really gone. There are times when sadness fills my heart and the guilt of what I didn’t do with my mom is overwhelming. But I can’t turn back time and do it all over again, so I just have to deal with my feelings and I hold tightly to the love my mom gave to me.

Most or even all of what I have written about in this blog I have written about before. Different times, different blogs, the same feelings. This is something I just can’t get past.

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Responses

  1. Kathy, once again, I relate to every word, I can’t let go either, I still can’t bear the thought that this is real, the finality of it all. Keep writing, Foible Gal


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