Posted by: Kathy | January 21, 2011

Loss of a Wonderful Grandmother

This is my 100th post. It’s probably not a big accomplishment for many bloggers, especially those who blog every day. But when I started this blog on my husband’s server 20 days after my mom died, I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going with this blog. In May 2009, I moved my blog to WordPress for more exposure. I wanted to help people who had lost someone to cancer and raise awareness of pancreatic cancer. Given the topic of this site, I really didn’t know how long I’d be blogging. But here I am, 2+ years and 100 blogs later still writing.

For this blog, I wanted to write about what I feel is the greatest loss to our family in regard to my mom’s death. When pancreatic cancer took her from us, my children lost a wonderful and loving grandmother. A grandmother who couldn’t wait to become one. My mom truly loved her grandkids and cherished the time she spent with them. My mom’s parents were the same with my brother and I, and we saw them often. But I was 30 years old when I lost my first grandparent, not 2 like my daughter.

Last Friday, I watched my daughter play at my parents’ house and a thought passed through my mind – I wish my mom could see her now. More accurately, I wish my mom was still here. I wish my mom was able to see who my daughter has grown into. Play with her. Laugh with her. Hear her words. Hug and kiss her. Just be able to spend time with her as a loving grandmother. I have the same wish for my son, but I am grateful that he had 9 years with my mom. I know my son still misses his grandmother, but he doesn’t talk about it much. Since my mom died, he hasn’t spoken a lot about his grandmother, but he feels the loss and he knows what our family lost when she died. For a school assignment, my son wrote that his heartfelt wish was to have his grandmom with us again. It brought tears to my eyes.

My son's favorite picture

This isn’t the first time I’ve blogged about the loss of my mom and what it means to my kids. Every holiday, every birthday, every accomplishment, I think about my mom and how she would have been there, sharing the moment with her grandchildren. There’s a tug at my heart, the familiar pain that only loss can bring, and I wish that my mom were here. My children lost a vibrant, caring, and loving grandparent when my mom died. I feel their loss, along with mine. But in my mind, their loss was greater. They should have had many more years with their grandmother.

My mom and daughter

I will always wish that my mom were here to spend time with her grandkids and share their lives with them as they grow up. After my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, her ongoing wish was to dance at her grandson’s wedding. She held on to that wish tightly, as it was her hope that she would beat the cancer and have a future with them. But this didn’t happen. So I continue to keep the promise I made to my mom, one that I made to her less than a month before she died. I keep her memory alive for her grandkids. This is a promise I will always keep. I love you, Mom, and your grandchildren love you too.

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Responses

  1. I just found your blog. As a fellow cancer survivor, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
    Also…Great Blog! You are a credit to the cancer blogging community. I have added you to my blogroll, “Cancer Blogs Lists” with over 1200 other personal cancer blogs at http://www.beingcancer.net, a cancer networking site featuring a cancer book club, guest blogs, cancer resources, reviews and more.
    If you have not visited before or recently, please stop by. If you agree that the site is a worthwhile resource for those affected by cancer, please consider adding Being Cancer Network to your own blogroll.
    Now that you are listed, you can expect to gain a wider audience for your thoughts and experiences. Being Cancer Network is a place to share and communicate.

    Take care, Dennis (beingcancer@att.net)

  2. Kathy, another great heartfelt post. I was writing a paragraph and accidentally clicked on something and poof what I wrote disappeared. But I wanted to congratulate you on your blog and keep doing what you do. Foible Gal.

  3. I forgot to mention….I absolutely LOVE this pictures. :o)

    Claudia

  4. You could have not posted a better 100th blog on your site. Your words always bring tears to my eyes and remind me, to be ever so grateful for the loved ones we have here with us still. You are a BEAUTIFUL person Kathy. I will always hope and pray for healing and peace from the loss of your Mom.

    Love ya My Friend,

    Claudia


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