Posted by: Kathy | April 14, 2011

Wish You Could See Them Now

Dear Mom:

On Saturday, Matt tests for his 2nd degree black belt. This will be a very hard testing for him and I’m worried. I know if you were here you would tell me not to worry, that Matt will be fine, no matter what happens. I wish you were still here with me. I wish you could see how much the kids have changed and grown. You helped me to raise them and I believe I’m a better mother because of what you taught me. But I still need you and I miss you. I know Matt misses you too, which is probably one of the reasons why he created his escrima form in honor of you. He will probably think of you on testing day, remembering how much you supported him. Matt now wears a purple band on his wrist, as I do, in memory of you, and he plans to wear this band during testing.

You brought so much to our family, and your death left a hole that nothing can fill. You were always there for me, for my kids. You supported Matt when he started TaeKwonDo and worked his way to black belt. You never missed a testing or belt ceremony until he tested for black belt; you were just too sick to come. But you hung on through the pain and waited to hear that he had passed his testing and gotten his black belt. Then you let go and were at peace. The best and worst moments of my son’s life so far were less than 24 hours apart.

Every time a testing comes around, I am taken back to November 15, 2008, when Matt tested for black belt. I was so proud of him, as I watched him work so hard for this belt. But at the same time, I was worried about you, as I knew you were dying. I remember your strength, your support, and your love, and I miss even more. I spend the days before testing working with Matt to make sure that he’s prepared and I think about you. Testing time is always hard for me because I stress about Matt and what he needs to do to get his next belt, and I feel your loss more deeply than usual.

As Matt tests this Saturday, I believe that you will be watching over him. I hope that he feels your strength and love, and I long to feel your presence. I miss you so much, Mom. I wasn’t ready for you to leave us. I know you wanted to watch the kids grow up, supporting them and watching their accomplishments in life. I hope that you can see them now and who they have become. Please know that you’re never far from my thoughts and always in my heart. No one can ever fill the place you held in our lives, as a mother and grandmother.

Love you,

Kathryn

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