Posted by: Kathy | April 18, 2011

So Much to Blog About

Until last Thursday, I hadn’t blogged for 3 weeks. There were things I wanted to write about, but time just slipped away, as it always does, and I had no time to write. I still don’t have time, but there are things weighing on my heart and mind.

Another Life Stolen by Cancer
In February, I blogged about my friend/coworker whose mom had been diagnosed with colon cancer. Sadly, her mom passed away this past Friday. My heart aches for her because I understand what she’s going through. As I mentioned in my previous blog, she is a very private person, and I respect that, so I offered my condolences and I am participating in something that our company is doing for her. It just doesn’t seem like enough, and I wish I could do more. But, then again, what can you do to fill the hole that losing a parent creates?  

Another Black Belt Testing
On Saturday, my son, Matt, tested for his 2nd degree black belt in TaeKwonDo. Physically and mentally, I believe he was pushed harder than he’d ever been before in anything, and it was an emotionally exhausting day for me. It was especially hard to watch my son defend himself in 2 on 1 sparring matches against other black belts, especially his last round where he fought against the master instructor and a senior instructor, both much taller, stronger, and more skilled than him. Matt stood up for himself and made it through the match. He was exhausted and hurting, and as I brought him water, the mom in me wanted to make sure he was ok. I wanted to hold him like the child he isn’t anymore, but this was something I knew I couldn’t do. I’m learning how to be the mom to a preteen, what to do and not to do, and how to support him without embarrassing him. I wish my mom were here for guidance. I believe that Matt passed the testing, and we will find out by Wednesday. But no matter what happens, I am very proud of my son – he worked so hard for this belt.

Accepting Reality
Since my mom died, it’s been a habit of mine to stand in her closet and just remember her. I see and touch her clothes, smell her scent, and I’m taken back to a time when she was still with me. A few Fridays ago I was really missing my mom, so I went upstairs, opened her closet, and everything was different. The closet no longer smells like my mom. I noticed that some of her clothes were missing and there were clothes hanging in there that didn’t belong to my mom. It was like reality hitting me – Mom is gone and she’s not coming back. I shut the closet door, knowing that this no longer a memory of my mom.

~~~~
Although these are three completely different topics, they are all reminders of my mom. The death of my friend’s mom takes me back to the last days of my mom’s life and how pancreatic cancer took her from her family. Every time my son tests for another black belt, I’m reminded of how my mom was his biggest supporter. And now that I’ve basically lost a reminder of my mom, I need to keep moving forward and do my best to accept that she’s gone. Most importantly, I need to keep my mom’s memory alive for myself and for her grandchildren.

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