Posted by: Kathy | July 1, 2011

Why Am I Still Grieving?

It’s been over two and a half years since my mom died. There are different levels of grieving and healing. I know my husband worries about me because I’m still grieving. He just wants me to be happy and doesn’t want to see me sad. I lost five members of my family in eight and a half years, so my deep feelings of loss are understandable.

My mom’s horrible illness and death have affected me the most. My grandparents were older, so their death was not unexpected, especially when two of my grandparents were 92 years old when they died. There are people who think that after two years, I should have healed and moved on. But then there are others who say that you never really get over the death of a parent. I was given one mom and one dad in life, and neither can be replaced.

My blog has definitely helped me to heal. I’ve found that people who are dealing with similar situations and feelings are often the best ones to help each other. The comments and emails I’ve received mean so much to me, and are what really keep me writing. I also appreciate the people who just come to read my blog. For a blog like this one, it’s sometimes hard for me to believe that people still read what I write.

I’ve thought about the reasons why I’m still grieving, and there are several very real ones. I miss my mom and being able to talk to her about what’s going on in my life. I’m dealing with a lot personally, particularly with having chronic pain, and it would be nice to have my mom to talk to, to have my mom as support. I’m also sad because my mom is missing out on my kid’s lives. As I’ve said before, she couldn’t wait to become a grandmother and she loved her grandkids so much.

Fun times with her grandson

With each birthday and holiday that passes, each accomplishment one of my kids makes, I always think “my mom should be here.” My daughter has no real memories of my mom and that’s very sad me. My mom was such a wonderful grandmother, full of love, always wanting to spend time with the kids, and do fun things with them. My kids are losing so much by not having their grandmom in their lives.

More bubbles, Grandmom!

My mom worked very hard in all that she did. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer shortly after she retired, before my dad retired, and before my parents got a chance to spend the time with each other that they deserved. I think it’s called The Golden Years, and for my parents this time would have been golden and special. They had so many dreams for the future. Time they wanted to spend with their family. Trips they wanted to take. Now I watch my dad doing this with someone else, and it’s still very hard for me (sorry Dad). My mom should be here to enjoy these years with my dad. I know my parents wanted to be together for a lot longer than the 45 years they had.

Mom and Dad, Christmas 2007

My mom put so much into life. She always helped people and put others first. Pancreatic cancer stole my mom from her family and slowly took her life. Watching this happen was so hard, and I can’t even imagine what my mom was feeling and thinking, things she never shared with others because she didn’t want to worry us or make things harder on her family. She deserved more than life gave her in the end. I would have done anything to help her to live, but I always felt helpless.

I am writing a book about my mom and my journey with her from when she was diagnosed until she died. I’m also writing about my feelings during this time, and how I’ve been dealing with grief and the loss of my mom. It is my hope that this book can help others who are going through or went through the same thing or have the same feelings as me. This book is a tribute to my mom, and a look at the loss of a parent and how it has affected me. It will be honest and open, revealing true and raw feelings, just like my blog. I know parts of it will be hard to write, as I re-live parts of my past I’d rather just forget, but can’t and shouldn’t. I can’t forget all that my mom went through, how she suffered and fought, or her true determination to live because of her love for her family. I can’t forget all the tests and times in the hospital, all the hope, and all the prayers. I can’t forget how I begged God to save my mom, and then how angry I was when she died.

I miss you, Mom. I believe you come to visit because you know I’m still grieving. I’m working my way through life, and hopefully making you proud, as I raise the kids and work as a medical writer and on my blog and book. You taught me to work hard. You taught me the true meaning of family and the special love that can be shared within a family and between a mother and daughter.

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Responses

  1. My mom died in a very tragic horseback riding accident. Tomorrow morning at 10:00 am will be two years. I am still grieving (so is my now 7 year old son) and I see no end in sight. I have come off of antidepressants, but it is so tough. I understand your heart ache.

    • Hi Nichole: I am sorry you lost your mom in such a tragic accident. Grief is a strange thing – it is different for everyone and it takes time get over a loss. I had almost 350 days to process the fact that my mom probably wouldn’t survive pancreatic cancer and still felt like I had been hit by a train when she died. I am now at 4 and a half years since I lost my mom and things are getting better. The grief is lifting, tears don’t come to my eyes every time I think of my mom, and I feel at peace. It doesn’t mean I don’t miss her or don’t think of her every day, and there are and will still be difficult days. It’s a long road of healing, and having people who understand really helps. I wish you and your son the best. Take care.

  2. Unbelievable its like you are me, I soo miss my mom its been 2 years 1 month, i still cry so much, i miss her she was my best friend. My mother was everything, my life, my crazy days, my advisor for my daughter. We talked every day at least 2-5 times a day. She taught me how to be strong, and how to be independent but never how to deal with the feeling I feel everyday. I feel everyday like I have lost a part of myself. My dad died 7 months later…he grieved himself to death… He just wanted to be with her I thought I could take care of him and it would be OK….but it didn’t work out that way.. Now today I just don’t know how to feel…I have dreamed about her, and I know she is in Heaven..I guess not knowing what she is doing everyday…I was so close to my dad and he died suddenly. I just want to understand why? I don’t know what to say or think,, I cry for no reason..I just know how much I love them and miss them..I know I should not be selfish because they are in a better place than we can even imagine..how do you go on?? Thanks for your article its like I was reading my life…Take care and thanks for sharing and letting me share as well.

    • Hi Debbie: it sounds like you and your mom were very close. I am sorry for the loss of both your mom and dad in such a short period of time. For the first year after my mom died, I didn’t grieve for my loss because I was so worried about my dad. We all miss my mom. From what I understand there is no concept of time in Heaven and I often wonder what my mom is doing. But at least I know she is happy and no longer in pain. My mom is at peace. I wish you all the best. Thanks for visiting and sharing your story. Feel free to comment again. Take care.

  3. I lost my mom 3 years ago and know what you are going through. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish she were here. I think I will miss her forever. Nothing is the same without her. No one loves you like your mom.

    • Hi Diane: I am sorry that you lost your mom. I’m grateful for the people who understand what I am going through. I think about my mom every day, in some way. As you said, nothing is the same without her, and I too will miss my mom forever. You’re right, no know loves you like your mom does. As a mom myself, I get that. No one loves my kids like I do, and I never understood the deep love of a mom until I had kids. Thanks so much for commenting. Take care.

  4. OMG! I’ve just read the whole excerpt of your blog after leaving a little comment on your link via Facebook – your story virtually mirrors mine (with the exception that I also lost my Dad at a young age)! My Mum died of pancreatic cancer – just as she took early retirement! She worked in a hospice caring for other patients for many years, then she got the dreaded ‘C’ word! Unbelievable! I am still grieving and it is almost 10 years! In fact I have tears whilst writing this – just don’t know what more I can do!?!
    Anyway – good luck with the book; I am sure that will be cathartic in itself. I would love to read it, so please tell me when it’s being published.
    Much love
    Vanessa

  5. You are two years ahead of me but your voice sounds familiar to me because it’s saying the same things that are starting to go through my head after my dad lost his 75-day long battle with brain cancer. I have subscribed and look forward to reading back and forward in this blog.


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