This morning around 3:15 I woke up gasping for air. With one huge breath I was basically awake and trying to figure out what was going on. I had been dreaming and couldn’t breathe in the dream. I knew I had to wake up, so I awoke with a huge gasp for air. It was odd, the dream itself was odd.
I don’t remember much of my dreams, and the beginning is kind of fuzzy. I was at a friend’s house, although I don’t know who the friend was, as it was someone I didn’t recognize from real life. I was in a small house, kind of like a row house, in a small town. The house was kind of dark even though some lights were on. I was running around, trying to get ready for something, and I was running late as usual.
I opened the door to leave and turned to say goodbye to my friend. I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and called someone to say that I was on my way. As I stepped out of the house, I noticed that it had rained. The concrete steps and sidewalks were wet. It was dark out, like it was nighttime.
I then found myself walking along a country road on a beautiful sunny day. It was so peaceful and everything seemed to be bathed in a warm amber hue. On my right was a church. The first thing I noticed at the corner of the churchyard was a sign, like the ones that explain what’s going on at the church. The sign said “This Week” and below that in a list were “1 Funeral and 1 Burial.” I knew the burial had been my mom’s, and for some reason my family had missed everything. I had no idea where I was. I felt like it was early to mid-morning. The light tan stone church was set back from the road, with a cemetery in front of it. The entire setting was beautiful and quiet. I noticed a group of people walking around looking at the different gravestones. I walked across the graveyard toward the church, like I had been there before and knew where I was going. I was heading to my mom’s grave.
Before I got to her grave, the group of people circled around the gravestone. This angered me a little because I didn’t want to share this time with other people, especially ones I didn’t know. The weird thing was that it was almost like they were sitting around the stone, like around a table, and it was oddly shaped. They weren’t cramped together, even though there were probably about 6 people, and there was room for me. Looking around at the different men and women, I saw a woman I knew in real life, someone from my church. They were quietly talking among each other.
My dad was there too, standing closer to the church entrance, about 10 feet away from me. But we didn’t speak and he didn’t come over to me. I moved closer to my mom’s grave and reached out and touched the top of the gravestone. It wasn’t smooth, like her real one is, but had a jagged shape along the top and it was rough with inlaid pieces of stone. The people asked me to speak. I was overcome with sadness and began to cry. I started shaking my head, walking backwards away from the gravesite, saying I can’t. I was crying so hard that I was bent over with grief and couldn’t catch my breath. I couldn’t breathe at all. I was just standing there sobbing in incredible emotional pain. But then I knew I had to wake up, and if I woke up I could breathe again. So that’s what I did, and I awoke with a huge gasp for air and relief that I could breathe again. I got up for a moment because the dream had really freaked me out. But when I fell back to sleep, my mind went back to that country road and the church, just brief flashes. A few minutes later my husband came to bed. I briefly told him about my dream, and then we both fell asleep, but I didn’t dream anymore.
This is the first dream I’ve had in which my mom has been dead. In the few dreams I’ve had of her since her death, my mom has always appeared in the dream, alive and well. In the last dream I had in February, I was walking on a country type road and she just showed up and started walking with me. We were together again. Maybe this dream is trying to tell me that it’s time for me to accept that my mom is really gone. I didn’t actually see the gravestone or her name on it, but I knew it was my mom’s gravesite in the dream.
As always, I love you Mom, and miss you.