Posted by: Kathy | July 13, 2011

Please Don’t Leave Me

Since my dream where I visited my mom’s grave, instead of the usual dreams where my mom, alive, just appears and is with me. Since my surprising visit to the cemetery, where I felt like I was being drawn there to see my mom’s gravestone for real, I’ve been wondering if my mom is really gone. Will I ever dream of her again, alive and well, talking with me, walking with me, being with me? I know she’s come to visit me since she’s died, as there is no other explanation for certain things except my mom. I keep asking myself if my mom is really gone now. Have I moved forward in the grieving and healing process enough that my mom is actually gone?

I’ve never lost someone so close to me. I’ve never lost someone in such a tragic and heartbreaking way as I did when my mom died from pancreatic cancer. So I don’t know what’s normal. I honestly don’t think there is a normal, as everyone grieves differently, in their own way and for the amount of time they need to. There are many books on healing from loss, and I’m writing another one, about healing from the loss of my beloved mother. I’ve read some of these books and they are all different. Mine will be different too because it’s my story.

My mom will always be alive in my heart and in my memories. Those will never be lost and they will never go away. I don’t think I will ever stop missing my mom. She had a huge impact on my life and made it very special. My mom loved me deeply, I know that, and she would have done anything for me. All I had to do was ask. My deepest regret is not asking my mom for help and advice when I really needed it. If I had, my life probably would have been a lot easier and less painful at times. I know I probably hurt my mom too at times by shutting her out when she just wanted to help. Although the thought of this still hurts me and is something I regret deeply, I know my mom has forgiven me. Now I need to forgive myself.

I know that I need to move forward and continue to heal. I know that I can’t continue to grieve like I have been because it’s not healthy. I know I need to look to the future and completely accept that my mom is not here anymore and won’t be coming back.

But I’m sad because a part of me feels like I’ve just lost my mom all over again. And it really hurts.

Please, Mom, don’t leave me. I still need you. Please come and visit me sometimes, let me know you’re here with me. Or let me see your beautiful face in my dreams, so I can have some time with you, even though it’s not real. Please, Mom, don’t leave me. I love you.

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