Posted by: Kathy | July 29, 2011

A New Motto

Today, is Friday. The day for the positive post. The day to write about a positive memory of my mom. And I will write one in a bit. I know exactly what I want to write about. It’s not hard because of who my mom was to me. But first I want to write about something else. So two posts today.

It’s very hard to move forward from a death, especially the loss of someone I was so close to, closer to than I even realized. A lot of you who read my posts regularly and have lost a parent or loved one are probably thinking “well yeah” or “duh” or many other things that are running through my mind. It’s an obvious statement, but losing my mom and looking at a future without her is much harder than I thought it would be. Because of my mom, who she was, and how she took care of herself, death at age 65 from pancreatic cancer was something I never considered. I always thought there would be more time, a lot more time for many things.

Earlier this week I was speaking to someone I work with who has a friend with pancreatic cancer. So far his friend is doing well, and I truly believe that he is a great support for his friend. We talked for a few minutes about my mom. I guess there was a moment when I hesitated or maybe even mentioned how much I still miss my mom because when I went to say goodbye to him, he said as a question/statement “you were really close to your mom.” My answer was a simple one, “yes.”

But then I went on to tell him that I saw my mom every week, how I talked to her on the phone every day after she got sick, spent every day with her during the last few weeks of her life, and was with her during the last night of her  life. It was then, 2 years, 8 months, and 10 days after my mom died, that I realized, truly understood, just how much time my mom and I spent together and how close I was to her. I realized that there is no need for me to feel guilty about the time we didn’t spend together because I was there for her when she needed me the most. We spent quality time together, and she knew how much I loved her when she died.

Guilt is one of the stages of grief (according to the seven stages of grief I found), but this stage is one that I haven’t gotten through yet. I’ve accepted my mom’s death, the last stage of grief, but part of me is stuck at the second stage (pain and guilt), and at times I still experience the third stage (anger [and bargaining]). But slowly I am working through the second stage and getting over the guilt I feel when it comes to my mom. I realized what was important, the time we spent together and the love we shared, and what is not important anymore, guilt and anger over her death.

As I said in one of my recent posts, I need to look to the future for what it really is and not what I want it to be, if what I want it to be is something that I have no control over and cannot change. I guess, in a way, this is my new motto.

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