Posted by: Kathy | September 14, 2011

I Wish You Could See Her Now

The walls of my office are covered with pictures of the kids, drawings and projects they made in school or daycare, and gifts from them. I don’t really take anything down. I just find another space to hang something new. It’s been awhile since I hung any updated pictures of Nikki or Matt, although they are sitting on my desk waiting for their place on the wall. Today I glanced over and noticed the picture of my daughter that was taken on her second birthday. It was the last birthday my mom celebrated with her granddaughter. Now I can’t stop thinking about how I wish my mom could see Nikki now.

Nikki was only two and a half years old when my mom died. My mom heard her talk, heard Nikki say “grandmom,” but she did not get to have a true conversation with Nikki, like she would now almost 3 years later. As I’ve written before, my daughter doesn’t have any real memories of times she spent with her grandmother. Nikki’s memories are mine and also come from pictures. I constantly share stories with her so I can continue to keep my promise to my mom and keep her memory alive for her grandchildren.

Even though Nikki was so young when my mom died, there’s one thing I know – the love she has for Grandmom Angel is real. I can see it in her eyes when she talks about her grandmom. I can feel it in her smile when she knows a toy she is playing with was given to her by Grandmom Angel and she holds onto it tighter. I can hear it in her voice and sense it in her heart when she asks me if I still miss Grandmom Angel. Nikki’s love for her grandmother, along with her feelings of loss, are real. My mom left an imprint on her granddaughter’s heart that can’t be erased.

I wish my mom was still here for so many reasons. A lot of times I feel her loss for my kids and what they are missing out on without my mom in their lives. I know I’ve written about this before because it’s something that’s so close to my heart. My mom loved being a grandmother and cherished the time she spent with the kids.

If I know my mom, she “drops in” from time to time to check on her family. Last week, I lost my pancreatic cancer bracelet twice. Sometimes it slips off my wrist because I’ve lost so much weight, but usually it’s tangled up in a shirt I’d been wearing. Each time I found my bracelet last week it was in my daughter’s bedroom. If Nikki found my bracelet, she would immediately bring it to me. I believe it was my mom letting me know that she popped in to see her granddaughter start kindergarten.

Nikki's first day of kindergarten


  1. Hi Wendy, I’ve been thinking about you and this coming Friday. I wanted to let you know that we will be releasing balloons on Friday in memory of my mom’s birthday, which is on Saturday, and will also release a balloon in memory of your mom. The 3 year anniversary of my mom’s death is November 16th. It does get easier, but you never forget and you never stop missing your mom or wishing that she was still here. My mom’s death left a huge hole in our family that no one can fill, at least that’s the way I see it. Holidays will never be the same, birthdays will never be the same, and even every day normal things aren’t the same because my mom isn’t here. I’ve accepted her death and that she is no longer with us, but I will never stop missing her, thinking about her, or loving her. You will be in my thoughts on Friday. I’m here if you need to talk.

    Take care ~ Kathy

  2. Hi Kathy, another heartfelt piece. I know that like me the end of this week will have significant meaning to you. I will be facing the one year mark of my mom’s passing and have not been able to believe a year has passed. I know it’s been 3years for you and from your writings I know it does not necessarily get easier, but we let our hearts open to new experiences, for you it’s the blessings you have with your children, and keeping their grandmother alive in their hearts. Good on you for doing this, bless you. warmly, Wendy

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