Posted by: Kathy | November 3, 2011

At A Loss For Words

I apologize for being quiet lately. As I go into the last 2 weeks before the anniversary of my mom’s death, I find myself at a lost for words sometimes. My days are busy with work and the kids. I haven’t been sleeping well lately. My brain seems to turn on the minute I try to go to sleep. Multiple thoughts go running through my mind, many times at very late hours. Sometimes I even think of things I want to blog about, but I know that I need to sleep, instead of turning my brain on even more to write.

A lot of things have happened lately, where my mom would have been the first person I called to share the news or ask for advice. I can still hear her voice in my mind, and I think about what she would have told me if I had been able to pick up the phone and call her. I can’t tell you how much I wish I could talk to my mom, hear her voice, or get advice from her, something I shied away from in the past. But that never stopped my mom from voicing her opinion or giving me advice, and even though she may not have thought I was really listening, what she said was heard and it sunk in.

I never understood my mom’s impact on my life until she wasn’t here anymore. The hole that her death left is huge. I still talk to my mom. I tell her things. I let her know how much I miss her and love her. I ask her to come to see me. I believe that she was around in September. My daughter started kindergarten and I really wished my mom could have shared her first day. I have worn the same pancreatic cancer band for almost 3 years now. Two times during the first week of school, I lost my band. It is loose and can slip off my wrist. But each time I lost this band, I found it in my daughter’s bedroom. I don’t think it’s a coincidence, especially since my daughter would give me my band if she found it. I believe it was my mom telling me she saw Nikki start school. There was also a time when a certain floorboard in my bedroom creaked and no one had walked over it. I truly believe that my mom makes this board creak to let me know she’s here.

Today, I was printing out pages from my blog to show to my son’s teacher. I spoke with her during a field trip about talking to the class about being a professional writer. She is interested in both my professional and personal writing. As I went through my blogs trying to figure out what to show her, I found myself close to tears, thinking of how much I still miss my mom. This blog has been a tribute to my mom in a way, and my way of getting through her death. Even though I don’t write as frequently, I will try to keep my blog going for as long as I can.

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Responses

  1. Hi Kathy, I’m thinking of you. I seem to be at a loss of words too lately….don’t stop writing, words will come, as will comfort. warmly, wendy


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