Posted by: Kathy | December 1, 2011

Wish We Could Talk

When my mom first died, I longed to talk with her because there were many things I didn’t say to her before she died. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was for things that had happened. I wanted to let her know how much I appreciated everything she did for me. Most importantly, I wanted to make sure she knew how deeply I loved her.

Over the past 3 years, I’ve learned to let go of the guilt over things that had happened that I couldn’t change. Things that I never explained to my mom or why I acted the way I did at times. The guilt associated with not apologizing for so many wrongs was crippling for me and a very hard thing to let go of. But as a parent myself, I have a feeling my mom understood more than she let on at times and was not mad at me for things I had done wrong in the past. My mom was a very giving, generous, and forgiving person. I believe she knew just how much I appreciated her and how deeply I loved her. It took me almost 3 years to come to these realizations and to forgive myself and really start living again.

I still long to talk to my mom. As my kids go through different stages of life, I feel lost at times, wondering what to do, wondering if this is normal, or if it was something I did as a child. I so wish I could have her guidance as I raise my children. She helped me to raise my son during the first 9 years of his life, and wanted to do the same for my daughter. My daughter is a fireball of energy and her actions at times have brought me a lot of grief. I know I haven’t acted in the best way that I could have at times. I wish my mom was here to talk to about my daughter and even my son. I wish my mom was here to talk to her grandkids and to be able to see how much they’ve grown and matured over the past 3 years. I long to hear my mother’s voice again.

There is a book called “For One More Day” by Mitch Albom. It’s about a man who is given the chance to spend a day with his mom who died 8 years earlier. What I wouldn’t give for that sort of chance. What a precious gift it would be to be able to spend one more day with my mom. I miss you Mom.

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Responses

  1. Hi Melanie:

    I am so sorry about your mom. I can relate to what you’re feeling right now. When my mom died, there was a big hole in my life I didn’t know how to fill and I felt completely lost. That hole is still there, as no one can fill the place my mom held in my life, but I’ve partially filled it with memories and reminders of her love. It’s ok for you to stand still for a bit and just let the world go by. You need to time “digest” what you’ve been through and lost, and it’s not easy. You’re right when you say that you’re not alone. That’s one thing I’ve found out by writing this blog. I started writing as an outlet and then found people like me. Thank you for your comment. Feel free to write again if you ever need to talk.

    Take care, Kathy

  2. Kathy,
    I came across your blog and I am so grateful for people like you who are brave enough to share your experiences. My mom passed away less than a month ago and I feel like I am missing a limb. She was diagnosed with colon cancer at the end of August and it all turned into one medical nightmare after another. The world is moving along and I am standing there confused and behind, thanks for reminding me I am not the only one and we can all find strength if we put our minds and hearts to it.

    Melanie

  3. I love that book too…


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