Posted by: Kathy | January 24, 2012

Changes

Nothing in life is constant. Each day we may do the same job, see the same people, and go through the same old routines. I’ve often used the abbreviation SSDD (same “stuff,” different day) to describe my life. But, really, each day is never exactly the same as the one before. Life is continually changing and moving forward, even on days when I’ve felt liked I’ve moved backwards.

I’ve been thinking about all the changes that have occurred since my mom died 3 years, 2 months, and 8 days ago (yes, I counted). The most obvious changes have occurred in my children and how much they’ve grown up. Matt is no longer a young boy, but nearly a young man. He has lost the baby look in his face, will probably be taller than me in the not so distant future, and keeps learning and maturing as he continues with school and TaeKwonDo. My daughter was just a toddler when my mom died and was unable to truly understand why her grandmother died. Of course, Nikki has changed the most since my mom died. She has started school and TaeKwonDo, her once barely shoulder length hair is now almost waist level, and she comes out with statements that surprise me for a 5 year old, like “it’s not fair that Matt got to spend so much more time with Grandmom Angel than I did.” I’m proud of both my kids and their continued accomplishments. They make me laugh, warm my heart, and some days make me nuts. I wish my mom were here to laugh with me and see how much her grandchildren have grown and changed. I know she would be proud of them too. She loved them dearly.

Over the past 3 years I have changed too. Like my daughter, my hair is longer, and I’ve lost about 70 pounds due to grief and pain. Although the weight loss has allowed me to fit into my mom’s beautiful clothes. I still have regrets about the past and wish I could go back in time and say what was in my heart. But if given that chance, would I really do this? In a previous post I wrote about the time my mom and I spent together for her last birthday. If I had known at that time that within 2 months time my mom would be dead, would I have taken our time alone together to open my heart to her? Honestly, I’m not sure. I would like to think I would have, but telling someone what is in my heart is hard for me to do. Maybe I could have written my mom a letter to give to her that day, expressing what I held close to my heart. It’s always easier to express myself through writing, and I believe my mom was the same way.

But I will not get that chance to go back in time, so I keep moving forward. The biggest changes for me since my mom’s death have occurred on the inside. Losing my mom forced me to grow up, to really take charge of my life and accountability for my actions. I realized the many mistakes I had made and begged my mom for forgiveness more times than I can remember. Over and over, I thanked my mom for all she did for me, cried out that I missed her, admitted that I still needed her, told her how much I loved her, and hoped that she could hear me. My mom’s death has softened my heart in places, hardened it in others. In some ways I am more confident, but there are things I fear deeply now. I cherish my small family and the love we share. I look to God for guidance and sometimes ask for messages to be given to my mom through my prayers, because I know my mom is now in Heaven and I believe that one day I will see her again.

I still look back at times and think “what if…”. My view of life and what I want has become clearer, although I wish my mom could be here to share in my dreams and hopefully, one day, my accomplishments. And even though I miss mom dearly and long to turn back time to when she was alive and well, I keep moving forward with the changes of life. It’s what my mom would have wanted for me. I love you, Mom. Always.

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Responses

  1. The change you write of to both stronger and soft is a kind of puzzle…and sounds very familiar.


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