Posted by: Kathy | February 3, 2012

Master of Self-deception

Like many people, a lot has happened to me in life. Losses, heartbreaks, etc. My mom’s death was like a final straw for me. I was so unprepared for the impact her illness and death made on my life. I have been healing. I have accepted my mom’s death. But it still hurts and during the last few years I let a part of myself, a part of my heart, shut down and die. I want to change who I’ve become and I am taking one step at a time to do so. I want to take the stronger person I’ve become now and merge it with the softer side of me that once existed.

I am very nervous to share this poem. But at the same time, I want people to see it because maybe someone can relate to it. Or maybe my poem can prevent someone from ending up where I am now.

The Master of Self-deception

I am the master of self-deception.
I’ve perfected the art of disguise,
shielding feelings deep within my heart
from curious outsider eyes. 

I am the master of self-deception,
putting up and taking down walls.
So many have been put into place,
I don’t know the true number in all.

I am the master of self-deception,
with feelings buried so deep,
that the truth of what’s in my heart
only comes out when I sleep. 

I am the master of self-deception,
unknowingly shutting down my soul,
never realizing what had happened,
but now I want to be whole. 

I am the master of self-deception,
so good that I never saw
that I was even fooling myself
by ignoring wounds open and raw. 

I am the master of self-deception.
Can I break free of who I’ve become,
open my heart, my mind, and my soul,
so that they work together as one? 

I am the master of self-deception,
a title I don’t want anymore.
I want to break free, find true life again,
walk away through an open door. 

I am the master of self-deception,
something that no one should be.
I’m reaching out to those I love in life
and opening my heart to be free.

This poem was written from the heart. A poem that was inspired in a way by a very strange dream and then a lot of self introspection. I’ve learned that no matter how much we “screw up” in life, recognition can allow us to change, if that’s what we want to do. Thanks for reading.

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Responses

  1. Excellent contribution to the dark side, like the way that you have used repetition

    • Thank you. Appreciate your comment

  2. This is poem is very touching. I can tell that it comes from the heart.

    • Thank you for your comment 🙂

  3. Hi. This was an amazing poem. Every word and every stanza really brings out the loss you have felt. I am sorry for your loss and hope something better in life fills that empty space.
    You are an amazing writer.

    • Thanks. Nothing fills that emptiness. But with time things get easier. Nothing will replace my mom and I will always miss her

  4. I’m sorry about the loss of your mom. Self healing after the loss of a parent is slow process and don’t be discouraged if it’s not going as quickly as you think it should. There were times when I’d take on step forward and then three or four steps back. Even after 3 years, I still feel my mom’s loss so deeply and my heart aches at times. I’m glad my blog gives you hope and encouragement. Please feel free to contact me at any time. ~Kathy

  5. My mom passed away just this December 8. I am now forcing myself to take baby steps towards self healing. The pain of her loss is still digging a hole in my heart and my life. Your blog, together with some others, give me hope and encouragement. Thank you for sharing.

  6. Thanks Kathy, as always, you gave me something to think about and gave me a bit of clarity. Wonderful poem, glad you shared it!


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