Posted by: Kathy | March 13, 2012

It’s Okay to Have Hard Days

After 3 years and nearly 4 months, there are many people who may think that I should be completely “over” my mom’s death. Healed and whole. Accepting my mom’s death and moving forward with life. I have healed, although I will never be whole. I have accepted my mom’s death and I am moving forward with my life in a positive way. But I still have hard days and that’s okay.

A friend of mine, who has lost a parent and helped me a lot through my mom’s death, has a good perspective on bad days. She told me once that it’s okay to feel sad, but to acknowledge the sadness and why I’m feeling sad, and then keep moving forward the best I can. This friend is an amazing person and I admire her in many ways – for her strength, her compassion, her willingness to always listen, and her ability to really understand and offer advice without judging.

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I believe it was a combination of lack of sleep and thinking about past losses because of something that’s going on with a coworker that brought up the pain. It was almost like I relived the day that my mom died and the pain I felt left me sobbing, crying out to my mom and telling her how much I miss her. I thought the pain from my heart was going to split me into pieces. I cried. I grieved. I acknowledged the pain I was feeling. I talked to my mom and told her I loved her. But then I moved on, focusing on the day ahead of me.

I understand that there will probably always be hard days, some of which may hit me out of the blue, some of which I may not understand why they are happening. But then there are other times when I know a certain day is going to be hard to me and “prepare” for it in the best way I can. I lost someone very special to me, someone who had a huge impact on my life, and someone whose place no one else can fill. I lost my mom, and she was a very good mom to me. So it’s okay to have hard days. I just can’t stay in that dark place. I need to acknowledge my sadness and continue to move forward. My mother will always have a place in my heart and I will always love and miss her.

Advertisements

Responses

  1. I wrote you several years ago and I was struggling dealing with the lose of my mom. It will be 15 years this may since this horrible cancer stole half of my heart and robbed me of many years with my mom. I still have hard days but I strive to be the mother she would want me to be. at times it’s hard to breath to think about how long it’s been since I heard her voice. I know she isn’t suffering anymore but I would gladly traded places with her so she wouldn’t had to endure the pain she went threw. Times doesn’t heal all wounds it’s just a reminder on what we were robbed up and what life we could have had together. So thanks for your post. It does feel good to talk to someone that understands.

    • Hi Mindy:

      I know the feeling. I just went through the 7 year anniversary of my mom’s death. I miss her every day. I have a recording of her saying happy birthday to me – a message she left on the last birthday she shared with me. But it’s not the same as talking with her and there are so many times I’ve needed her advice since she died. You’re right – time doesn’t heal all wounds. I think I will always feel my mom’s loss and imagine how life would be if she were still here with her family. If you ever want to talk please email me at peace4me521@yahoo.com. I wish you the best.

  2. Hi. I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad. I understand how you are feeling. Even though it’s been over 3 years since my mom died, there are still days that are very difficult – anniversaries, birthdays, etc, and the days leading up to those particular days are just as difficult. But I’ve come to realize that it’s normal. I will always miss my mom and what she brought to our lives. She was an incredible mother and grandmother. You’re not alone, although it’s very easy to feel that way, even when we are surrounded by people. From my experience, let yourself feel and grieve and take one day at a time. Take care ~Kathy

  3. My Dad died last year at the end of May. And the closer that day comes, the more upset I get. It’s the strangest feeling, but I feel really alone even though I know I’m not. I just stumbled on your blog today and wanted to thank you for putting words to how I feel.

  4. It’s okay to have bad days. It’s okay to cry. I still do. I was away on a seminar for two days and on the way home I suddenly felt sad….there will never be a mom to go home to and share those wonderful experiences with. Let us cry, I say. Then when all the tears are gone, let us move forward. Our mothers will want it that way. I always love reading your posts. I’m glad to have found it.

    • Hi. Thanks for your comment. I couldn’t agree more with what you wrote or said it any better. My missing piece is that I will never be able to walk into my parents’ house again and see my mom standing in front of the stove or sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me. Sometimes it’s very difficult to visit that house because so much has changed. My mom is gone, her things are gone, and all that remains are some pictures and my memories. But things keep changing and life keeps moving forward, so I need to move along with it. ~Kathy

  5. It’s good to cry. We probably cry the most when we are feeling vulnerable about something..at a time when we would normally call our moms.

    I had a good cry today too….missing my mom. I looked back at pictures when she was healthy and I miss her. I also allowed myself to go back to when she was sick, and I cried for all that she went through.

    Sometimes I look at the sky, and I wonder where she is. Is there an afterlife, or is she just gone? I feel an anxiety in my chest as I ponder these questions, and then she seems to answer me by saying that she is everywhere, floating around peacefully, keeping an eye on all of us. I am also acutely aware during these moments that what we think is so important in this life really isn’t that important at all.

    • Hi Wendie: I agree. I think we cry or feel the losses we’ve experienced at times when we are vulnerable. Until my mom died, I didn’t realize how often I turned to her for advice or just an ear to listen. Although I often didn’t take her advice (at the time), just knowing my mom was there for me was a huge comfort. Knowing that no one can fill what she did for me is very difficult. I always feel like something is missing. But I do believe that my mom watches over us from time to time. I believe in Heaven. I do believe my mom is there and she’s shown me that through a very odd dream. My mom let me know she is ok and at peace. She wants me to be at peace too. Thanks for your comment. ~Kathy

  6. Thanks for your comment. It took me years to realize this, and the realization only came recently, after talking with many people who’ve lost parents. Although things get easier with time and the pain lessens, the loss will be always there. ~Kathy

  7. Somehow I always want to cry when I read your posts. This was a great insight. I sometimes feel silly when I just want to burst into tears, but I know that it helps me in some way. And now, thanks to you, I know it is normal to have off days. Thanks Kathy!


Tell me what you're thinking:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: