Posted by: Kathy | March 30, 2012

I Want To Get Off

For the past 4+ years, there are times when I felt like I’ve been on a crazy amusement park ride, thinking I just need to hang on until the end and things will be ok. I know how things used to be and sadly realize that life will never be the same again. My mom, a person who made a huge impact on my life, is gone and she is not coming back. I’ve accepted her death. I believe that she is in a better place. I know that life needs to keep moving forward and that I need to move along with it. But I will never stop missing my mom, as she is a part of my heart. There’s a part of me who will always wish we could go back to December 2007, that my mom would not have received a diagnosis of unresectable pancreatic cancer, that life would have continued like I thought it would before that day.

Moving forward is part of the healing process, but there are times I wish I could get off this crazy ride and go back to the past, to be with my mom. Don’t get me wrong, I have a good life. I have a husband who loves me, 2 wonderful children, and a very close relationship with my dad. But so much has changed since my mom died and some of these changes have been difficult to accept. Choosing the one that’s the most painful is difficult, but what pops into mind first is that my mom is not here to watch the grandchildren she so loved grow up and share in their joys and accomplishments. I miss our Friday night dinners and Saturday outings as a family. I will never have those days again, but I will never forget them and the fun we had, the love we shared.

No matter how much I wish I could change things and have my mom here with us again, where she belongs, I can’t. This crazy ride I am on is my life. There are certain things in life we can change, others we can’t. Death from unresectable pancreatic cancer is one thing I cannot change. I was powerless over it when my mom was sick, devastated at knowing she would probably die, and heart-broken when she did. In many ways, life is what we make of it, and in my case, my life, my choices in life, can have a positive or negative impact on the lives of my kids.

My mother was a very special person, full of life and love. Without obviously doing so, her actions, who she was, taught me a lot. She showed me the importance of family and what it means to be a good mother. Living my life to the fullest and keeping my mom’s memory alive for my children, a promise I made to her, is my way of remembering and honoring my mom and her life. So even though there are times I want to get off this crazy ride and go back to the past, I won’t. I would be dishonoring my mom’s memory and all that she did for me by not living the best life I can and sharing memories of the times I spent with my mom. There are a lot of good ones. I love you, Mom.

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Responses

  1. My mom always put others before herself and wanted the best for her family. She was the most unselfish person I knew, always giving to others in one way or the other. Your are so right when you say that our moms have built a foundation for us. Funny I never wanted my mom’s advice when she was alive. But now I find myself thinking about what she did for us, what kind of mother she was, and wanting to be the same way. There are so many people in this world who are selfish, my mom was special. My thoughts are with you as well. Take care ~Kathy

  2. It is hard to lose someone we so love dearly. My mom passed away from metastatic breast cancer just this December 9. Yes, it was our first Christmas without her. I know that, just like you, I will still feel the same way you feel 4 years from now. There are so many firsts this year without her in it so we are still adjusting. Our moms would want the best for us. They have built our foundation for life trusting us that we will keep their memory alive by continuing on the path that they would have thought was best for us. My thoughts are with you.

  3. Hi Wendy, it’s always nice to hear from you. I wish you didn’t feel so alone, but I understand. Even surrounded by people you know and love and who love you, it’s possible to feel alone if someone special is missing. Holding onto memories of the past without slipping into it again is hard, especially if those memories are of someone very close to your heart. If I am really missing my mom, I try to think of something she’d do or say that is funny or just picture her smiling face. Yes, I am still sad, but there’s happiness too in remembering her that way. Who knows, maybe some day we could meet for coffee. It would very nice. Take care ~Kathy

  4. Kathy, I’m thinking of you and wishing you lived here so I could meet you for coffee and feel so less alone. I relate very much to how you feel. I cherish the memories of my parents and often want to go back, but realize we can’t…it doesn’t make the sorrow go away though. The holidays are a difficult time, it’s important we hold on to those memories without living in the past…this I am trying to do. take good care, wendy

  5. My father recently died from lung cancer. He found out he it the day before my twins were born. One of the hardest things in dealing with his death has been the fact that both my father and my children will not have the chance to really know each other. I totally understand how you feel. I am hopeful that it will eventually get easier in time.

    • Thanks for your comment. My daughter was two and a half when my mom died. She never really knew her grandmother, as she was just too young to have true memories of her own. My daughter knows my mom because I talk about her and tell her stories about times I spent with my mom and things I used to do with her, things my mom did, and who my mom was. My memories have become my daughter’s memories. Something I’ve also found helpful is having pictures of my mom around the house and there’s a picture of her in each of the kids’ bedrooms. My son and daughter also have things in their bedrooms that were given to either them or me by my mom or it is something that symbolizes her. My daughter, especially, cherishes these things and they are special to her. Sometimes it’s hard to believe, but it does get easier with time. Take care ~Kathy

      P.S. Check out http://memorybearsbybonnie.wordpress.com/. I had Memory Bears made for both of my kids as a Christmas gift. I plan to have one made for myself too.


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