Posted by: Kathy | April 22, 2012

Mom Without a Mom

Tonight, I am lying in bed, willing myself to go to sleep, and my thoughts turn to my mom. Instead of just saying goodnight to her, my brain turns on and one thought keeps going through my head. It’s hard being a mom without a mom. In fact, sometimes it just plain sucks. On Friday, I wrote a very brief thought about my circle of frustration. Something happened with my daughter and I was at my wit’s end. I was extremely frustrated. But now I realize that my frustration had less to do with my daughter and more to do with the fact that when things happen I can’t talk to my mom about them. I was blessed with a wonderful mom and now she’s gone. My heart catches in my throat as I write this, tears in my eyes. I will never have a mom again and it hurts.

There are times when I see a mother and daughter sitting and talking, or having dinner together, or going out shopping together, or making plans for the future together, and I think “I really wish I could do that with my mom.” I think about all the years I had when my mom was still here and I was just too busy with work or the kids or something, so we didn’t do a lot of mother-daughter things together. I always thought we’d have more time, and then she was gone. Now I would give anything to be able to go back and do it over again or to be able to have more time with my mom. I miss my mom not only for me, but for my kids too. My mother was a wonderful grandmother. I can picture her playing ball with my son or reading a book to my daughter. She wanted to spend time with them and loved being with them. She seemed to make every moment with her grandkids meaningful. I can’t count the number of times in the past three and a half years when I’ve thought “I wish my mom could see this.”

Things have changed so much since my mom died that sometimes I take a step back from my life just to make sure it’s real. I think “is this really how things are now” or “how can my mom be gone.” Sometimes I feel like my mom is fading from our lives. I know she is gone and I’ve accepted her death, but I made a promise to her that I would keep her memory alive for the kids and it’s a promise I will always try to honor. I don’t feel my mom’s presence anymore when I walk into the house she shared with my dad for probably 35 years, my childhood home. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even fit in there anymore. I know things have to keep moving forward in life, but that tidbit of knowledge doesn’t make the pain any less real at times.

My mom was always there for me and my family. I never truly acknowledged until tonight just how hard it is to be a mom without a mom and how much I hate it. I miss you Mom and I love you. Goodnight and I hope to see you in my dreams.

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Responses

  1. Wow, that’s so wonderful that you have videos of your mom. There are 2 short videos of my mom that I know of – one from the first time we took my daughter to the beach and the other from when we went to the zoo for my birthday and I was very pregnant. I don’t know where the zoo video went, but I have watched the beach video. There are also pictures of my mom walking on the boardwalk with my daughter, she would only hold my mom’s hand. My husband gets credit for the blog idea. I was so lost after my mom died and he suggested it. I had no idea what a blog was, but he set up a space on his domain and told me just to write (I moved it to WordPress about 6 months later). I write in honor of my mom, to express what I am feeling, and hopefully to help others in some way. I’ve posted about writing a book before, but I’ve decided to change it. I now plan to take specific posts, revising them slightly so they fit into a book format, adding things I haven’t blogged about, and putting it all together in a book. This is something I really want to do this and plan to get input from people who read my blog. I really hope Mother’s Day isn’t too hard for you. The firsts are always the hardest. I’m here if you want to talk. Take care, Kathy

  2. I am so sorry that you are feeling this grief, and yet, if you are anything like me, it feels good to cry, and feel the grief. My grief, in a weird way, makes me feel closer to my mom. I don’t ever want to forget how important she was to me.

    As Mother’s Day approaches, I am also feeling a tremendous amount of grief, as this is my first one without my mom. None of the other celebrations has hurt like this one. There are days that I feel like she just died.

    The other day, on my birthday, we looked at old video footage. I was surprised and well, shocked, when I stumbled across my Mom’s surprise 60th birthday party. I forgot that it had been videotaped. My husband had set up the tripod and there was literally an hour’s worth of my mom laughing, eating, dancing, and having a terrific time.

    I came across another one of when my son turned a year old. Again, the tripod was set up, and my husband videotaped about an hour’s worth of regular ‘around the table’ talk. At one point, I had put my arm around her and announced to the camera that she was the best mom in the world.

    Finally, there was one of my son’s 5th birthday. This one made me sad b/c as I watched my healthy mom on video, I was struck with the realization that none of us knew that she would be hit with ovarian cancer less than two years later, and be gone 14 months after that. Crazy how things can change so quickly.

    Through all of this watching, I do know how loved my mom was. Like you, I now have regrets that maybe I did not spend enough time with her. But since I have looked at that video footage this week, it has become crystal clear to me that we had a great relationship. My mom had a great relationship with all of us, and although her life ended at the age of 67, she led a happy life, and was always surrounded by us.

    We videotaped, and never looked back at them until this past week. Yes, it made me sad and shocked that she is gone, but it also made me smile, and feel like my mom came back. It felt so good to see her alive and happy.

    The fact that you have created a blog for your mom…well, that says a lot. She must have meant an awful lot to you, and still does. Yes, the memories will fade a bit, and that is sad, but she will always, always be a part of you until the day you go to see her again.

  3. Ah, you articulated the thoughts I have had so often in this post – thank you!

    • Thanks Laurel. I write for myself, always writing from my heart, but I also hope that my posts touch others and that people can relate to what I write. ~Kathy

  4. Thanks for your comment. It’s nice to know that I am not alone. May is a difficult month for me as Mother’s Day is closely followed by my birthday. I’ve decided this year that I want to celebrate both on the same weekend, hoping to make things easier in some way. I still have the voicemail my mom and dad left me on my last birthday with my mom. They are on separate phones and sing happy birthday. But the best part is the end when my mom says “I love you.”

  5. With Mother’s Day drawing near….this becomes harder. Sorry I mentioned it but I feel it too. I may not be able to give you good advice during this time but I hope the thought of knowing you’re not alone will suffice 🙂 I love reading your entries because it talks to me in a way a good friend does.


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