Posted by: Kathy | August 2, 2012

Blogging – The Past 3 Years

I have written 183 posts on my WordPress blog over the past 3 years. Looking at other blogs, those who write every day, this number is not impressive. But for me, I can only write what I feel, as this blog is a tribute to my mom and has been my way of dealing with her death.

Even though my mom has been gone for 3 years, 8 months, and 17 days, there are times when I still can’t believe she is gone. With both of her parents living into their 90s, I believed my mom would follow on the same path. My mom took care of herself, and the diagnosis of pancreatic cancer came as a huge shock. It didn’t seem possible, but it was true, and this awful disease took her life.

I think back to my journey of healing over the past few years. It hasn’t been easy, a very rocky road at times, and I have to admit that this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to overcome. Not only did I need to heal from my mom’s death, but I also needed to heal from the fear and heartache I felt throughout her illness. The last weeks of her life, especially that final night, still haunt me at times. Thinking about how pancreatic cancer reduced a healthy vibrant woman to a walking skeleton still brings tears to my eyes. I lost 5 family members in 8 years, and death was their only option for peace.

Throughout this journey of healing, I’ve learned who my true friends are, and I’ve met many people through this blog who understand what I am going through. Respect of my feelings is what I’ve hoped for during this time of healing. But I’ve had to deal with people who don’t understand why grief still hits me at times, along with some unkind comments. Those who understand the best are people who’ve walked in my shoes, so to speak, and this was something I was told by a friend who’d lost his dad to cancer many years ago.

Although I’ve accepted my mom’s death and my heart feels more peace than grief now, I will always miss my mom. I lost the opportunity to share so many things with her. My kids will not be able to experience the love and joy of their grandmother as they grow up. My daughter will never truly know her grandmother. This ongoing realization is a cause of continued sadness, but I will continue to keep her memory alive for my kids, a promise I made to my mom.

Even though my mom is gone, she will live on in our hearts. I will never forget her smile, the sound of her voice, or the little things she did for all of us because of her love for her family and friends. For the past few years, I’ve tried to be more like my mom. But I’ve learned that I don’t have the quiet and gentle ways of my mom and that’s ok. My mom’s impact on my life has helped me become the person I am today. I am grateful for all that she did for me. Thank you, Mom. I love you.

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Responses

  1. I found your blog at 4 this morning when I couldnt stop thinking about my mom who passed away 9 months and 20 days ago. I miss her terribly and my life has changed forever. My mom died within 1 week of being diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. It had metastasized to her liver and bones by the time she was diagnosed. The grief and sadness has been so difficult. She was only 63. Your blog is inspiring and I think I will start my own as a tribute to my mother. Thank you.

    • Hi Tracy: I’m sorry about the loss of your mom. I went through many sleepless nights during my mom’s illness and after her death. I agree, once we lose our mom, life is forever changed. It has also changed for my kids, who lost an incredible grandmother. My mom has been gone for 3 years, 9 months, and 6 days, and I still think about her everyday and miss her. I think a blog is a great idea. This blog has been my way of healing and connecting to others who understand what I am going through. Please keep in touch and let me know if you start a blog. Take care.

  2. whether you write once a day or once a month, its still an important thing to do for your own healing. and those of us that read your blog are happy you do it!

    • Thank you 🙂

  3. Yup. My dad has been gone for 3 months, i look at his picture every day & shake my head b/c I still can’t believe it. His last week haunts me too — he went downhill so fast & it was heartbreaking to watch. Your blog is great – for people who haven’t lost a parent, they think after a few weeks or months you’re over it. you get used to it — but i doubt you get over it….

    • Thanks. Even after almost 4 years I look at my mom’s picture sometimes and still can’t believe she’s not with us anymore. There are times when I still need her. Yes, you’re right. I have friends who thought that after 3 months I’d be over my mom’s death. They can’t understand why I still miss her after 3 years. Then there are friends who have lost parents and tell me that you never really get over the loss, you just get used to it. Take care.

  4. I agree! I’m so happy that you’ve chosen to share your grief, joy, memories, and love with all of us, here.

    If there’s a silver lining to loss (you have to really, really want to see it), it must be that there’s a community of people who understand and offer support. You’ve done that for me, and I appreciate it so much.

    • Thank you Loni. I am amazed at the people I’ve met through my blog. It’s those connections, the people who understand what I write, that have helped me to heal. Take care.

  5. whether you write once a day or once a month, its still an important thing to do for your own healing. and those of us that read your blog are happy you do it!

    • Thanks so much! 🙂

  6. Kathy, your blog is a wonderful tribute to your mom. I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer this past February and I am just starting to learn about the grieving process. Not only did I loose my mom but I am also grieving the lost of the way my family existed since she was the glue that kept us together. I have been reading your blog since then and I found comfort in your words. Thank you.

    • Hi Steve: I’m sorry about the loss of your mom. Your words really hit me. I’ve been saying for years that my mom was the glue that held our family together. So much has changed since she died. Everything is so different now. I’m glad you find comfort in my words. Please know that you are not alone. Take care.

  7. An amazing tribute to your mom and a wonderful comfort out of your sorrow for those of us going through a similar experience with grief. hugs, wendy

    • Thanks Wendy :-). Take care.

  8. ” … there are times when I still can’t believe she is gone.” –I can really relate to this sentiment after the death of my dad, who, like your mom, was in excellent physical shape, except of course for the cancer that took his life so quickly after the diagnosis. Before this experience, I would’ve thought it was at least a little crazy if I’d heard someone say they sometimes didn’t believe their loved one had passed on, but, from my vantage point now, I almost think it would be that way NOT to feel like that at times. Sometimes when I hear myself telling someone about my dad’s passing, a little bit of me feels like I’m lying, or at least dreaming, because (as the voice inside my head says) THIS CAN’T ACTUALLY BE TRUE. The shelter provided by that nagging sense of shock and disbelief is oddly comforting; I guess it’s just all part of the process.

    • I’ve found that shock protects us from the reality of the loss at first. But then eventually the shock wears off and reality is there. It’s at that point that we begin to deal with reality and the true grieviing/healing process begins.

      • I just cam across your site. It is ironic in my mom’s name was Kathy and she passed with pancreatic cancer in February of 2010 and it the most awful thing I have ever experienced. I hope that you find peace.

      • Hi Anne: I’m sorry for your loss. Yes, pancreatic cancer is an awful disease. My mom has been gone for almost 4 years and
        I still miss her. I started this blog site as a way of trying to heal from her illness and death and to honor my mom. I have met many great people through this site who have helped me to heal and given me strength through their understanding. I wish you all the best. Take care.


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