Posted by: Kathy | August 14, 2012

So Many Emotions

Last year I entered a writing contest. I didn’t win, but writing and submitting my story was an accomplishment. Once I found out that I didn’t place for any of the prizes, I shared my story on my blog site. It’s that time of year again for the contest. I started writing another story months ago, but I am not going to finish it in time for tomorrow’s postmark deadline. There are too many emotions involved, and I want the story to not only be words but for the words to have feeling. I’m not going to submit a story just for the sake of submitting one. I will wait until the story reads the way I want it to. There’s another contest in about 6 months.

I’ve also started several posts since my last one a few weeks ago, but I haven’t been able to finish any of them. There are things going on in my life that have resulted in a writer’s block of sorts as I wade through many emotions.

Issues with the kids have resulted in me wishing I could go to my mom for advice. I laugh as I write this, thinking of all the times she tried to give me advice and I brushed it off or only half listened, believing that I’d be able to talk to my mom again when I needed her. Now I try to think back and remember those conversations and the advice she gave me, wishing I had listened closer the first time. I feel stupid for believing that my mom would always be here when I needed her. Her death has taught me not to take anything for granted, especially my family.

I am also still angry that my mom died. I’m not angry at my mom or really anyone in particular. If shear will power could have saved my mom, she would still be with us today. I am angry that my mom is not with us anymore and all that changes that have occurred as a result of her death. I can picture how different life would be if my mom were still alive. We did so much together as a family when my mom was alive, and she cherished the time she spent with her grandchildren.

I feel so lost at times not having a mom to share things with, good and bad. I miss the sound of my mom’s voice. I would groan at times when she called me in the middle of my work day, but now I would give anything for that interruption. I know things will keep changing, just as I will continue to miss my mom’s presence in my life.

There are so many emotions involved in the loss of a loved one, especially a parent. They can hit you one at a time or become all jumbled together. For the past few weeks, my range of emotions have been all jumbled together, leaving me unable to really process them. I miss you Mom, and as long as I continue to walk on this earth, I will keep your memory alive. You touched the lives of so many people, and your touch left a lasting impact. I love you.

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Responses

  1. There is so much of what you write I relate to. You said in your response to a comment, “Grief and emotions…hit you in odd ways and when you’re least expecting it.” So true. My thoughts are with you.

  2. It is strange the emotions that bubble up and spill over. Good luck with the writing. I think you are right to take the time to do it the way you want it x

    • Thanks. I’ve been wanting to write a book about my mom for years, but it’s difficult to relive all that we went through. Someday it will happen. So for now, I write my blog and work on short stories. Grief and the emotions that come with it seem to hit you in odd ways and when you’re least expecting it.


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