Posted by: Kathy | November 17, 2012

The Littlest Thing

Compared to previous anniversaries, yesterday wasn’t too bad. There were a few times when tears came to my eyes and some were shed. But I did not break down. I wasn’t sad all day. I remembered my mom with love and spent the anniversary of her death thinking about good memories. It might seem weird to say, but I was proud of myself. I am healing.

Around 2:30 this morning my husband woke me up. He was holding our puppy and she was crying. He told me that she had tripped and fallen in the back yard and couldn’t walk. After talking for a few minutes, he decided to take the puppy downstairs and spent the night with her. I woke up early this morning, called the vet as soon as they opened, and got an appointment. My husband and son went to the appointment while I stayed home with my daughter. They were referred to an animal hospital to see a specialist. It turns out that our puppy broke her front leg at the knee joint and also injured part of the joint. It is a bad break and a difficult one to repair. We were given three options: surgery to place pins and repair the break, amputation, or euthanasia. Of course we chose surgery.

Because of the costs associated with the visit and surgery, the vet suggested that we apply for a pet care loan. I decided to call and speak to someone because I thought it would make things easier. I called the loan place using the home phone and had my husband on my cell in case I needed information from him during the call. I listened as the loan officer outlined what we needed to do to get a loan for the surgery. And then this woman said the oddest thing. She said “if you want to apply with a co-applicant like your mom…”. I don’t remember anything she said after that. I whispered “my mom is dead” as tears ran down my face and I felt that all too familiar pain of loss. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to talk anymore. I told the woman I would apply online and hung up with her and my husband. Then I sat on the sofa and sobbed for the loss of my mom.

I allowed myself a minute or so to cry and then pulled it together and got the loan we needed. Our puppy will undergo surgery tomorrow. I hope that all goes well and we can bring her home soon. We haven’t had her for long, but everyone misses her. She has become part of our family.

Today, a few simple words spoken by a stranger broke me and the pain of loss came flooding back. I am healing. But even the simplest of things can trigger the pain I feel from losing my mom. And it is during stressful times like this that I wish my mom were here to talk to. I miss you, Mom.



  1. “I am healing. But even the simplest of things can trigger the pain I feel from losing my mom. And it is during stressful times like this that I wish my mom were here to talk to. I miss you, Mom.” – hugs from across the miles. I always feel the same thing. I dont think it will ever end.

    • No, it gets easier but I don’t think it will end. The triggers will always be there. But hopefully one day they won’t be as strong. Hugs.

  2. Isn’t it incredible how these simple things from strangers offer us an opportunity to exorcise deep pockets of grief. I am glad you got cleaned out and most of all that your puppy is ok. blessings and peace to you.

    • Thank you. Yes, it amazes me how strong I can be in the most difficult of situations and then it’s the littlest thing that breaks me. I wish you peace as well. Take care.

  3. I really hope your puppy will get better sooner, I’m sure she misses home, too. And Kathy, I may not know how it feels to have lost a parent but I do know the pain of losing someone, you’ll be in my prayers. My God touch your heart to calm you inside and find peace in spite of the hurt.

    • Thanks Aian. Our puppy is home and doing well. The hardest thing right now is keeping her calm and separating everyone. The first thing she wanted to do when she got home is play with our 112 lb Black Lab-Coonhound mix – that is not allowed.

      My blog isn’t just for those who’ve lost a parent or lost someone to cancer. A loss of someone special in your life is painful and anyone who has experienced a loss can relate. I wish you all the best. Thank you for your prayers. I wish you peace as well. Take care.

  4. There is no way to rewind and not have had that conversation with the loan person. I’m sorry for the pain you experienced as a result of that call. My biggest affront after my mother died at the young age of 77 in September 1994 took place in May that same year…walking down the greeting card aisle – seeing 1,000s of cards for Mom. Knowing I would never buy or send my mother a Mother’s Day card was a jolt to my system.

    • Oh the dreaded card aisle. I’ve thought the same thing – how I’d never give my mom a card again for Mother’s Day, Christmas, Easter, or her birthday. My mom would always say “I don’t need anything, just get me a card.” This past Mother’s Day, I bought a card for my mom. Then I cut out the inside saying, tied it to a balloon, and let it go in the park. As I watched the balloon float away, I hoped my mom could see it. Unfortunately, we can’t rewind parts of life. We just have to keep moving forward. Thanks for your comment. Take care.

  5. I am glad to hear the puppy will be coming home and did well. I just have walked in those shoes so many times. It seemed like it was often when there was something wrong with one of my dogs or the loss of one of them, especially the ones my mom left behind, that her loss rushed back in. There are the other moments, like when I go to the mailbox and see something from her like her old high school newsletter. I never have told them that she is gone. I still get things for my father, too, more than 20 years after his death. It’s so strange, but some word or some piece of junk mail can just bring in a flood of emotions. I wish you, and the puppy of course, healing and health.

    • Pets are like kids to us. My mom loved pets too, but believed in limiting the amount she had. When we had 2 dogs and 3 cats, and I’d talk about a dog I saw on the internet, she’d say to me “oh, Kathryn, please don’t get another animal.” I smile every time I get a pet now because I can hear those words. It’s the little things that remind of us them. And sometimes it’s something someone said or seeing something that brings back a ton of emotions. The puppy is home now and doing well. Thanks for your comment. Take care.

  6. Gosh! I wish healing for both you and your puppy.

    • Today is a better day for everyone. The surgery was successful and the puppy should come home tomorrow. Thank you for your thoughts. Take care.

  7. I totally feel for you, Kathy. It’s good to hear about your healing progress. This is so encouraging for me but I know we all suffer little setbacks and I actually expect them. Had several today. I hope your puppy has a full recovery and quickly. Poor pooch.

    • I believe when we lose someone close to us it’s normal to experience setbacks from time to time, even if we are healing. Bouncing back from those setbacks is what’s important. I hope you are doing better. The puppy came through her surgery, now it’s time for her to heal. Take care.

  8. Oh, I’m so sorry, Kathy. Moments like that are so difficult because they barrel at you out of nowhere.

    I hope your sweet pup is good as new very soon.

    • Thanks Loni. I agree it’s moments that hit you out of the blue that are the hardest to deal with, and they leave me wishing my mom were here. So far the puppy is doing well. Take care.

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