Today’s daily prompt from WordPress is entitled Audience of One. We are challenged to picture the one person in the world you really wish were reading your blog and write her or him a letter.
This blog is my tribute to you. Your death left a hole in my life that nothing could fill. I started writing through tears of grief, to release the pain and try to make sense of the many emotions that I could not control. Wave after wave they pounded on me and I was drowning in sadness and tears. I missed you so much. I felt so lost without you. Writing became my way of expressing my feelings and then remembering you.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you in some way. Sometimes the beauty of your face comes to mind or I remember something you said to me. I find myself thinking about things we did together, especially the holidays we celebrated as a family. When I am lucky, I see you in my dreams. Even though we talk, I can never remember what you said to me when I awake. Maybe one day I will.
I hope you know that your memory is still very much alive in the hearts and minds of those who loved you most. I have not forgotten the promise I made to you and I keep your memory alive for your grandchildren. I tell them stories about times we spent together. They each have things you gave to them and I know they treasure these items. Nikki talks about you all the time, telling me how much she loves you, crying that she misses you. Matt doesn’t talk as much. He is more reserved with his feelings, but I know he misses you. As a family, we all wish you were still here with us.
Even after 4 years, I still feel your loss. There are days when I cry for you. When I need to hear your voice, I listen to the message you left for me on the last birthday we shared together. At the end of that message you say two simple words that mean the world to me – “love you.”
One regret I have is that there are many things I wish we had talked about before you died. I did not realize the impact you made in my life until after you were gone. Please know how much I appreciate all that you did for me, my husband, and the kids. I hope you knew how much I loved you when you took your last breath. My biggest wish is that I could have one more conversation with you, face to face, and tell you all that is in my heart.
I miss you, Mom, every day. You were my one and only mom and the only person I will ever call mom. I wish you were still here with your family, but I know you are watching over us.
I love you, Mom, yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever.