Posted by: Kathy | December 29, 2012

Never-ending Journey

We have come to that time of year when people start thinking of ways to change or make themselves “better”. Whether it is losing weight, exercising more, or stopping a certain bad habit, many people make New Year’s resolutions. Sticking to these resolutions is often hard, and many people give up after a few weeks or months. I have found that you cannot change unless your heart and mind are 100% committed, and even then it’s not easy.

I’ve made and broken many New Year’s resolutions. I don’t make them anymore for that reason. Life also has a way of throwing curve balls, changing into something unexpected, where you have to stop and think about each next step to take. I have been on a journey of healing for over a decade. I don’t think this journey will come to a true end. Really, it is a combination of healing and personal growth. I am working on me, Kathy, figuring out who I am beyond the pain and grief, and making that person someone I am proud of.

My journey of healing began on September 15, 1999. It was the day I told my husband at the time that I wanted a divorce. After 7 years together, and 2 days before our 5 year wedding anniversary, I decided I was tired of a living a life walking on eggshells. I did not want the same life for my infant son. A life so different behind closed doors that no one knew the truth about my marriage. I never said a word for fear of retribution. It was always my fault. I hid my true life from everyone.

After years of constant abuse, I was a broken person, shattered on the inside. But my son gave me the strength and courage to build a better life for us. It took me many years to heal from what my ex-husband had done to me. My journey of healing also took on a different meaning when I started losing the family I loved.

On May 4, 2000, I got my first bitter taste of true grief when my beloved grandfather died. His death left a void in my life and a hole in my heart. Over the next five and a half years I lost my other three grandparents. These deaths were painful, but I could accept them because my grandparents had lived full lives. But my mom’s illness and death put me on an entirely new path of grief. She had so much more living still to do, and her time with her family was cut short. The death of my mom still hurts. I’ve taken baby steps to heal from her loss. Although I have accepted my mom’s death, I will always miss her and I am still healing.

Personal growth is an ongoing, never-ending journey. It can be challenging, painful, and frustrating. But it can also be rewarding and sometimes the littlest accomplishments bring the most happiness. Perfection is something I strive for only at work. I try to be a good person and a loving wife and mother. I have made many mistakes and continue to do so. Are there changes I want to make in my life? Resolutions I could make? Of course there are. I will always be working toward goals I set for myself.

I’ve learned that family is most important to me, and I take life one day at a time because you never know what changes a new day may bring.



  1. Growth oftentimes come out of pain and conflict, doesn’t it? But with that growth comes strength, confidence, and a new sense of self. Sounds like you’re on the right path Kathy. My wish for you in the New Year is continued awareness of all the good times – regardless of how small.

    • Thank you. Yes, I agree. My greatest times of growth have often occurred because of pain. I wish I didn’t have to be that way. But it’s life. Happy New Year. I wish you all the best.

  2. Wow, Kathy. So sorry to hear about your first marriage. It appears that you’ve been able to gather up continued strength with each setback. To all of us who continue on the healing path, I hope 2013 brings a sense of peace, strength, good health and lots of love.

    • Thank you. I’ve been “knocked down” many times in life but always get back up again. I agree with you about your wishes for 2013. I hope it’s a good year for all of us. Take care.

  3. I pray a wonderful New Year for you and your family.

    • Thank you Bonnie. I wish the same for you and your family. I’ve finally decided on my bear. I will be contacting you soon. Take care.

  4. Your strength is inspiring…I always enjoy your posts.
    Thanks for sharing your story.

    • Thank you Denise. That means a lot to me. Take care and best wishes for the new year.

  5. I have no idea how I found your blog..but I am so glad I did.When you grieve the loss of a parent (parents in my case), it’s so easy to feel like you are the only person in the world with the feelings that haunt you afterwards. I don’t know your story – yet, but I will.

    THank you for blogging your experience!

    • Hi Renee: I’m so sorry you lost both your parents. Yes, it is very easy to feel like you’re alone in your grief and that no one understands. I think that’s one of the reasons I started this blog – to understand my feelings because no one else did. And then something wonderful happened. I met a bunch of cyber friends who do understand and I don’t feel so alone. Thank you for visiting my blog. I wish you all the best. Hugs!

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