Posted by: Kathy | July 15, 2013

Different day, different dream, same content

Yesterday morning I awoke with a heavy heart, the remnants of a dream still floating through my mind. My mom was dead and I was crying hysterically. Different day, different dream, same content.

This isn’t the first dream I’ve had where I am sobbing because my mom is dead. The first dream, which I had almost exactly 2 years ago, prompted me to do something I hadn’t done in many months. I went to visit my mom’s grave. I don’t visit her grave very often because I know she’s not there. To me, the grave is a marker of who my mom was on this earth – a daughter, wife, mother, and grandmother.

Yesterday morning’s dream was not as disturbing as the first, but it was still upsetting. I don’t remember much of the dream itself, but its sadness hung over me all day. In the dream I was surrounded by hundreds of people who knew and cared about my mom. What I remember is that I found out that my mom had died from pancreatic cancer, and I was crying hysterically because of her loss. I moved from person to person, saying “my mom is dead” through tears and sadness, but no one was surprised by her death. These friends of my mom understood, tried to comfort me, and just let me cry and move on my way.  Then I woke up. I remember the sadness of the dream and I felt drained from crying in my dream. I did go back to sleep for about an hour, but the sadness remained when I awoke and got up for the day.

For me, there is one question. Why did I have this dream?

Two years ago, when I had the first dream, I was still in a state of constant grief and had not fully accepted my mom’s death. But I have come a long way since that first dream in accepting my mom’s death and shedding the grief and sadness that always covered me. Yes, I still miss my mom. Yes, I wish she were still here with us. But I have healed for the most part and accepted that my mom is dead. So I don’t understand why I dreamt what I did. It’s a sad and somewhat harsh reminder of how much I miss my mom and that she is gone. I don’t need these reminders. I think of my mom every day in some way and her love and memories live within my heart.

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Responses

  1. I tried to figure out a way to work grief into my recipe but gave up too soon. You did it perfectly.

    • Thanks. I rewrote my recipe many times – adding, deleting, changing amounts. Grief was not in my first list of ingredients, but then I added it because, although it is lessening, it will always be a part of me. Thanks for reading my recipe. Take care.

  2. I am touched by your post about this dream. It reminds me that grief is a non linear path, taking us by surprise at the most unlikely moments. I lost both of my parents last year within three months of one another, and so your blog is particularly significant to me, personally.

    Like lynnkaren, I have used images and emotions from my dreams for drawing and journaling, as a way to approach the intensity of the emotion in a contained way, so its not overwhelming. I have found using these creative expressions, not worrying about how they turn out, to be very healing and comforting. For me the challenge is to honor my process enough to create the space in daily life for this self nurturance.

    So glad I came across your blog this morning. Wishing you peace.

    • Hi. I’m sorry you lost both of your parents so close together. I’ve written about some of my dreams on my blog, since I rarely dream of my mom. Writing has been my way of healing and dealing with the loss of my mom. Thanks for your comment – the creative way in which you use your dreams is very interesting. Take care.

  3. Do you know what Kathy, I do a lot of my poetry from my dreams as in dreams is where I’d rather be at times rather than reality…Since my Mum passed away over a year ago I haven’t even shed a single tear for her, please don’t think me wrong but I’m suffering greatly inside but there was so many unanswered questions which cannot be ever answered as my Mum held the key…I loved her even though I never felt love back in return but I’d give anything to have just one last chance to hold her and to tell her it doesn’t matter anymore as she was my Mum and I loved her enough for both of us…I’m so very sorry for your loss Beautiful and I hope you have peace of mind and all of your dreams be dreams of the love you had together…I’m here if needed always…Much love from your No1 xxx

    • Hi. First, I am so sorry about the loss of your mom. Second, I’m sorry that your mom’s death left you with so many unanswered questions, especially one about her love. I wrote a post several years ago about love in our family (https://peace4me521.wordpress.com/2009/05/26/3-words/).

      While I can’t understand all that you’re feeling, I do understand in some ways. There were things I wished I had asked my mom or talked to her about,, but she died before that happened. I felt like we were starting to build a real mother-daughter relationship as adults when she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It broke my heart that we never got to take our relationship to the level I wanted to. Now my mom is gone and I will never have another.

      I hope that you are able to start finding peace in your heart and are able to grieve the loss of your mom. If you ever want to talk more, please feel free to email me (peace4me521@yahoo.com). I wish you all the best. Take care.


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