Posted by: Kathy | November 11, 2013

Fate

Fate: the will or principle or determining cause by which things in general are believed to come to be as they are or events to happen as they do (Webster’s dictionary)

I do not believe that things happen randomly in our lives. I believe that everything happens for a reason, even if at the time it happens it doesn’t make any sense. I trust that I grow or learn in some way with every experience that happens in my life, good or bad. I believe in fate and that this is something that is not within my control.

This coming Saturday will mark the 5-year anniversary of my mom’s death. It has been a twisty and bumpy road of grieving and healing. There were times when I took this journey at a snail’s pace. There were times I didn’t move at all. And there were also times when I took steps backward because it was just too painful to keep moving forward. But this was my journey to make. There was no set pace at which I needed to go or a direct path that I had to follow. It’s been a long journey, and although I still glance into the past at times or let grief seep into my heart, I have come a long way. I am a different person now than I was 5 years ago, 4 years ago, and even a year ago. I’d like to believe that I am a stronger, more independent person today than I was 5 years ago.

Losing my mom changed so many things in my life. I was lost and heart-broken. I cried tears of pain and anguish. I screamed and ranted in disbelief. Anger and grief pulsed within me. Why did this happen? How could she be gone? But she was, and as much as it hurt I had to keep living and moving forward. Eventually, I learned how to live my life without my mom in it. Do I still miss her? Of course. Do I still love her? Yes, she is always in my heart. Do I still think about my mom? Every day.

On Saturday, my dad and I had been planning to go to the cemetery and then to lunch in memory of my mom. I’m sure it would have been a nice day, but if you’ve read some of my previous posts, you know I don’t visit the cemetery. Going there makes me sad. Today our plans for next Saturday changed. My son is in the high school marching band. This coming Saturday is the football team’s first playoff game (they were state champs last year). We are playing at home due to a big win their last game of the regular season. The team we are playing happens to be the high school my dad graduated from. This is not a team we play during the regular football season, and these two schools are more than an hour from each other. Fate.

I am looking forward to next Saturday. I will be thinking of my mom as I cheer our football team to hopefully a win and watch my son perform with the band during halftime with my dad sitting next to me. I know my mom will be with us.

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Responses

  1. Good luck on Saturday Kathy, and good luck with your on going journey through life.
    I shall think of you on Saturday, and send a hug for that quiet time of reflection that will come some time during the day.
    Your mum will be with you in spirit and in your memories and the memories your family all around on that day.

    I agree with Jc, and your words as you’ve moved through your journey have helped me immensely, sometimes almost as though I had written them, and for that I am truly grateful 🙂
    Take care Kathy, and good luck on Saturday!
    love n hugs
    Nick xxx

    • Thanks Nick. Sorry for the delayed reply. I mentioned you in my most recent post – reflections throughout the day. As happened last year, the day of my mom’s anniversary was easier than the day after. I don’t know why this is. I’m so glad I’ve helped people with my writing. You and JC and others I’ve met on this journey through my blog have helped me too. We have one more game to win and then it’s on to states. Take care.

  2. I am SO happy you are spending your Saturday with your Dad and cheering on Matt & your Dad’s high school football team!     Love You My Friend!   Claudia

    • Thank you my friend. I always appreciate your support and love. Think of us this coming Saturday. A win means we move into the state games. Love you.

  3. As you said in your article, you still miss your mom every day – that’s love. But your grieving has changed as well – that’s your mom encouraging you to move forward, even if at first you were only able to take baby steps; gradually, you moved forward by leaps and bounds.

    Looking forward to hearing about the Saturday family outing.

    • Hi – sorry it took me so long to respond. I have been moving forward, one step at a time. To think of how far I’ve come in the past 5 years shows that healing is possible. We had a nice time on Saturday. Won the game – a close one. If we win the next one, the team is on to the state finals. Take care.

  4. Kathy, you have an uncanny ability to channel my exact thoughts and feelings as I continue through my own grieving process. February will mark two years without my mother. And despite some wonderful life cycle events – two weddings in two years and my first grandchild this coming March – the loss of my mother continues to cast a shadow as I am still learning how to live life without her. I will be thinking of you this Saturday. Good luck to your son’s team. I know your mom will be there with you all.

    • Thanks JC. Sorry for the delayed response. Saturday was a good day. For me, I still have so many questions, which can only be answered by my mom. Take care.


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