Posted by: Kathy | July 11, 2014

Time Moves On…I Still Miss You

Time moves on. Days, weeks, months, and years have passed since I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer on November 16, 2008. Although it’s been over 5 years since my mom’s death, during which we’ve celebrated numerous birthdays, holidays, and milestones, I still miss my mom. I think about her every day.

Here are some facts that time cannot change:

  • There are times when I need my mom
  • There are days when I wish she were with us, with her family
  • There are times when I wonder what would life be like if my mom had not died

I can still picture my mom’s smile. I remember the sound of her voice. I will never forget all that she did for me and how she put her family before herself. My mom was the most giving person I knew and her family meant more to her than anything else in her life.

I talk to my mom at times and I truly believe she hears me. I knows she comes to visit and watches over her family. In spirit, she is with us as we celebrate birthdays or holidays. My mom is always in my heart. I keep the promise I made to her almost 6 years ago − to keep her memory alive for her grandkids. Even though my daughter never really knew my mom, since she died when Nikki was only 2 years old, Nikki knows who her grandmother is and loves her. She understands that one of her grandmoms is in Heaven and she accepts that, probably better than I do. I know my daughter talks to my mom too sometimes. I’ve told her more than once that if she’s ever scared at night to talk to Grandmom Angel, as we call her, and my mom will be there with her.

The pain of my mom’s loss has lessened a great deal, and there are only certain times when a reminder of her death brings me to tears. Fortunately, these times have become few and far between. But that fact will never lessen how much my mom means to me.

Six years ago today, my mom was still alive, but I was petrified of losing her. Five years ago, I was in emotional hell and unable to cope with what life had become. Four years ago, I was still a mess, but I was starting to really deal with all my feelings of grief and loss. Three years ago, I started truly accepting my mom’s death, but her illness, especially that last night, still haunted me. Two years ago, true healing set in. One year ago, I truly accepted the loss of my mom and began to feel peace.

Healing does occur. It occurs at different stages, different times, and in different ways for everyone. There is no right or wrong way to grieve or deal with the loss of a loved one. For me, I think it took longer to heal than others who have been in my situation. But there is no timeline for grieving, only time to deal with the loss from your life. For me, the most important thing was to let myself feel. To let myself grieve. To let myself cry. I tried for over a year to be strong for everyone else, that I didn’t grieve for my own loss. I wanted to appear strong, especially in front of my kids, when inside I was falling to pieces.

Time moves on. Grief lessens. The pain of loss goes away. But no matter how much time passes, I will always miss you, Mom. You were taken from us too soon. I love you.

 

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Responses

  1. This is a great entry Kathy, I’m so glad that you are happier now.

    I don’t think we ever get over the loss of our mum and dad, not truly.
    It gets better, sure, and the pain of their loss lessens as we become accustomed or adjusted to the painful fact that we can no longer interact and be with them, but always there is a part of them that is with us forever, we me certainly.

    My dad died 33 years ago, he was only 49,I still think about him now, what it would have been like if he had grown old, how much better I could have got to know him.

    It took me years (decades) to get anywhere even being able to talk about him without filling up, but now I can and I can remember the good times and smile when I think of them.

    I think of Mum every day, her loss is still raw, but like you and indeed because of you and your entries I have accepted her not being here more easily than losing my dad.
    I wish you had been around then with words of advice.
    Keep safe Kathy, and thank you
    love n hugs
    Nick xxx

    • Nick, your comments touch my heart. I am so glad my blog has helped you to heal. You are so right when you say that you never really get over the death of a parent. I may feel stronger, less sad, and not so lost anymore, but I will always miss my mom. I am starting a new adventure in blogging about loss, which I will share on my site soon. I’m excited – I feel it’s my next step.

      I wish you the best. Take care.

  2. So beautifully written, Kathy.  As your friend, I am unbelievably thankful that time has healed you from the loss of your Mom.  It was one of my many prayers for you.

    Love You My Friend!

    Claudia

     

    • Thank you my friend. You’ve always been here for me and I so appreciate that. Love you!

  3. Kathy,
    I have been meaning to e-mail you, but cannot seem to put enough coherent words together. Then today, I read your new post and once again, your words seemed to validate all that I am feeling. It has now been six months since my mom died. I still think about her every single day. I no longer cry every day anymore, but I still cry most days; ugly, heart-wrenching sobbing. I miss her so much. As I type this, I am in the guest room at my dad’s condo (still feels so weird not to type “my parents” condo, as they were married for 46 years before pancreatic stole her from us) and being here is so hard. Every time I walk into a room, I still expect to see her. Stupid cancer. Thankfully, my kids seem to handle being in this condo better than I do, and my dad is so happy to have us here to visit.

    Thanks again for your blog, Kathy. You so eloquently state what is on my mind. 🙂

    • Hi Amy. I apologize for the delay in responding. Life has been crazy lately. My parents were married 43 years when my mom died, together for over 46 years. I think a part of you will always miss your mom. It’s been over 5 years and I still think of my mom in some way every day and there are times when I still need her. You speak of your parents’ condo. Even though my dad is remarried, I will always think of the house they live in as my mom and dad’s house. It’s the house I grew up in. All of my mom’s little touches are gone now, and yes, like you, when she first died, there were times when I’d walk in the kitchen and expect to see her at the table with a cup of tea and the crossword puzzle. I wish you the best and know that I am always here for you – you are not alone. Take care.


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