Posted by: Kathy | July 23, 2015

Vivid Memories Can Return with the Littlest Thing

Today I was on a conference call for work. My workplace is in Maryland so I work from home most of the time. We were chatting at the beginning of the call, waiting for everyone to join in. The CEO of my company was traveling and talking about the NJ turnpike. He mentioned which exit he had just passed, and I said “that’s my exit.” So I jokingly asked him if he wanted drop by for coffee.

I spent an hour on the conference call, listening and talking about work. After the call, I went downstairs to get a drink of water and suddenly memories of a dream I had years ago, I believe right after my mom died, came rushing back. I had long forgotten about the dream and have never mentioned it on my blog. The pictures in my head are so vivid.

It was late at night when the doorbell rang. I opened the door to find the CEO and two other people from my company standing on my doorstep. The CEO told me that they were traveling, it was late, they still had a long way to go but were tired, and asked if they could spend the night. I let them in and found places for them to sleep. Suddenly, the CEO was up and said that they needed to get going. I was surprised because it was still dark outside. I wanted to walk my guests out. I walked out of the house through the door to the garage, and in my dream it happened to be my parents’ actual garage. A car was pulling in as I stepped out the door. I saw mostly the car’s headlights, but I saw it was a burgundy-colored car, my mom’s car. My mom and I walked out of the garage and down the street in the darkness to where my coworkers were parked. I didn’t see my mom’s face, but I believe I was holding her hand. When we reached the car, I said to my coworkers, I’d like you to meet my mom.

Then I woke up. This dream was interesting because the coworkers who were at my house in the dream were the same ones who came to my mom’s funeral. They had never met my mom when she was alive, but in my dream they did. I remember saying to them at the funeral “I wish you could have met my mom.”

It’s amazing sometimes how something so insignificant, so simple can bring back such a vivid memory, even if it was only a dream. It’s a memory of my mom that now brings me peace.

Posted by: Kathy | May 1, 2015

Just Because I Haven’t Written…

Just because I haven’t written doesn’t mean I still don’t miss my mom.

Just because I haven’t written doesn’t mean I don’t look at my mom’s picture every day with love.

Just because I haven’t written doesn’t mean I still don’t cry over the loss of my wonderful mother.

Just because I haven’t written doesn’t mean that I don’t wish my mom was still here with me, with her family.

Just because I haven’t written doesn’t mean I don’t talk about my mom with my children.

Just because I haven’t written doesn’t mean I don’t long to see my mom or talk with her just once more.

Just because I haven’t written doesn’t mean I don’t think of my mom every day in some way.

Just because I haven’t written doesn’t mean my love for my mom still doesn’t live in my heart.

Mom-me Christmas 2007

I love you, Mom, today, tomorrow, always. Thank you for all that you gave to me in life and still do in death with the memories of the time we shared together.

Posted by: Kathy | February 10, 2015

No Matter What

When my son was much younger, my mom often read him the book “No Matter What.” It’s a cute story about how a mother will always love her child…no matter what. The book now lives in my daughter’s bookcase. I read it to her many times when she was little, but now she’s too old and reads on her own. There are just some books I can’t part with, even though my kids have long outgrown them. These are stories my mother read to my children and they remind me of the love she had for her family.

I was sitting here and the words “no matter what” just popped into my mind. I know I’ve been very quiet on my blog lately. My mom has been gone for more than 6 years. I’ve come through those dark, dark days where all I could do was cry. And although each thought is no longer consumed by my mom’s loss, there will never be a day I don’t think of her in some way…no matter what.

No matter what, I will always appreciate everything my mom did for me.

No matter what, my mom’s memory will live on in my heart and mind.

No matter what, I will share memories of my mom with my children.

No matter what, I will never stop wishing my mom was still here with us.

No matter what, I will always love my mother.

So even though I haven’t been blogging lately, my mom is close to me. There are still times I cry for her – something happens and I need my mom. I wish she were here to talk to or comfort me. There are days when I think of how different our lives would be if my mom were still here. My silence in writing does not mean I have forgotten my mom or that I don’t miss her anymore. It just means that I’ve made peace with her death. Peace allows me to remember my mom the way she would want to be remembered, with happiness and love. I still have bad days, but they are becoming less and less.

On January 2nd, I got a tattoo in memory of my mom – a purple ribbon for pancreatic cancer, angel wings in blue (my mom’s favorite color), and the words peace and mom. I’ve always wanted a tattoo, but I never knew what I wanted. Then one day it came to me. A lasting tribute to my mom.

Tattoo 2-10

I wish everyone peace of heart and mind.

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