Posted by: Kathy | May 8, 2016

My Two Stars

This is the eighth Mother’s Day I celebrate without my mom. I still miss her as much as I did that first Mother’s Day without her, although the raw pain has turned into bittersweet memories. Holidays and other celebrations haven’t meant as much to me since my mom died. There is a feeling of emptiness without her. It’s the place that she once filled. A place no one else can fill. 

Today I look at Mother’s Day as a celebration of my two kids. On Friday, each of them came home with a piece of paper proclaiming them to be a star. I am so proud, since they were seen as stars by someone else other than me or their family. My daughter was picked as Star Student of the week for this coming week. She told me that the teacher gave it to her because she could see how hard Nicole has worked for it. Later that evening, my son texted me from his yearly band banquet. He was given the President’s Shining Star Award for outstanding achievement. My daughter was thrilled. My son was shocked. I am proud of both of them. 

My kids are so different in their personalities. My son has always been quiet and shy, while I say my daughter has a “shot out of a cannon personality,” always talking. But deep inside they share the same traits. They are both respectful and caring of others. They both try their best and do well in school. Every day and night they both still tell me that they love me. We spend time together as a family and we laugh. 

At almost 17, my son is a very dependable person. I call him my rock. When my husband had triple bypass surgery in March and I left my kids home alone for hours, I didn’t worry about them because I knew my son would take care of his sister. In a little over a year, Matt will leave for Marine boot camp and from there I have no idea where he will end up. My heart aches at the thought of not seeing him every day, but I am proud of the choices he is making in life. 

At nearly 10, I’ve watched my daughter mature, especially over the past year. She’s not my little girl anymore. But she is still warm and outgoing, and because of this, I call her my sunshine. Her head is full of ideas and her heart is filled with love. These next few years should be interesting as she continues to mature and begins making more and more important decisions about her life and the direction it takes. 

Being a mom isn’t easy. I’m sure most moms will say that. There is no book for how to raise your own kid, and they aren’t born with an instruction manual for when things go wrong. I do my best, and no matter what happens, both my kids know that I love them unconditionally. I can’t tell you how many times in the past seven and a half years I’ve longed to talk to my mom about something one of my kids either did or didn’t do. If she were here, I would have asked for her advice, but I might not have taken it, as our parenting styles are different. But even though I may not have followed my mom’s advice, I wish I had the ability or option to ask for it. It’s not easy being a motherless mom. 

On this Mother’s Day, I say I miss you, Mom, and I love you. You are always in my heart and never far from my thoughts. To my kids, I am very proud of you, my two stars. You fill my heart with happiness and love, and both mean the world to me. To all the moms who read my blog, I wish you a very happy Mother’s Day. 

Posted by: Kathy | April 12, 2016

Bedtime: One-Word Prompt

Today’s one-word prompt from WordPress is Bedtime.

Bedtime: Longing for Peace

Bedtime,
a time of desired peace,
but so much has changed.
Now images clash with words.

Words of worry in my thoughts,
images of fear haunt my mind.
What did happen, what could happen,
they don’t leave me alone.

Alone in my bed
I long for the silence of night,
combined with my constant weariness,
to drag me into the deep world of sleep.

Sleep,
a means of escape,
but this kind of escape
often eludes me now.

Now I worry
about things I never had to before.
All is well “technically”
but I can’t find a way to escape.

Escape came with sleep,
sleep came with bedtime,
bedtime was my time of peace.
Peace, I long for you.

 

Posted by: Kathy | March 16, 2016

Two Days Off

Life keeps me busy and most of the time it’s a good thing. As I’ve written before, just because I don’t write doesn’t mean I don’t miss my mom or still wish she were here with her family. I said to my son the other day something like “before Grandmom died, when my life made sense.” Sometimes things just don’t make sense and that’s when I miss my mom the most. I need to talk to her and I do. I just wish I could hear a response. And I always think about how life would be if she were still here with us.

Last week I took 2 days off from work. On Thursday, I went to visit my cousin to celebrate his 103rd birthday. Yes, you read that right. Longevity runs in our family. Technically, John is my first cousin, twice removed. In 1965, John married my parents. He gave the before dinner toasts at both my weddings. And he officiated my grandfather’s funeral. John is an amazing man – his body may be aging, but his mind is still sharp. I lost touch with John after I married my husband in 2002. Last year during my genealogy research frenzy, I realized John was still alive. We got in touch again and I’ve gone to visit him several times over the past year. He is truly an inspiration to me.

The get together for John’s birthday was an open house. I arranged to meet another cousin (still haven’t figured out our exact connection) at this open house. We’ve emailed and talked on the phone, but I met him in person for the first time last Thursday. We went out to lunch and spent hours talking about family history. This is the side of the family connected with the castle in Scotland that I mentioned in a post on ancestry. I needed a day out, a day away from my house (I work from home), a day away from NJ. I felt rejuvenated when I got home.

On Friday I ran errands and cleaned, still feeling the “high” and peacefulness from the day before. My daughter has always had long hair. She’s been growing it since she was little. The words hair cut were banned from her vocabulary – she’d only get her hair trimmed. Well all that changed on Friday afternoon when my daughter got many inches taken off her hair. When I reminded her that she wouldn’t let me get my hair cut or colored because we were twins, she told my that she was her own person now. They grow up so fast.

Nikki - hair cut_3-11-16

 

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