For the past 4+ years, there are times when I felt like I’ve been on a crazy amusement park ride, thinking I just need to hang on until the end and things will be ok. I know how things used to be and sadly realize that life will never be the same again. My mom, a person who made a huge impact on my life, is gone and she is not coming back. I’ve accepted her death. I believe that she is in a better place. I know that life needs to keep moving forward and that I need to move along with it. But I will never stop missing my mom, as she is a part of my heart. There’s a part of me who will always wish we could go back to December 2007, that my mom would not have received a diagnosis of unresectable pancreatic cancer, that life would have continued like I thought it would before that day.
Moving forward is part of the healing process, but there are times I wish I could get off this crazy ride and go back to the past, to be with my mom. Don’t get me wrong, I have a good life. I have a husband who loves me, 2 wonderful children, and a very close relationship with my dad. But so much has changed since my mom died and some of these changes have been difficult to accept. Choosing the one that’s the most painful is difficult, but what pops into mind first is that my mom is not here to watch the grandchildren she so loved grow up and share in their joys and accomplishments. I miss our Friday night dinners and Saturday outings as a family. I will never have those days again, but I will never forget them and the fun we had, the love we shared.
No matter how much I wish I could change things and have my mom here with us again, where she belongs, I can’t. This crazy ride I am on is my life. There are certain things in life we can change, others we can’t. Death from unresectable pancreatic cancer is one thing I cannot change. I was powerless over it when my mom was sick, devastated at knowing she would probably die, and heart-broken when she did. In many ways, life is what we make of it, and in my case, my life, my choices in life, can have a positive or negative impact on the lives of my kids.
My mother was a very special person, full of life and love. Without obviously doing so, her actions, who she was, taught me a lot. She showed me the importance of family and what it means to be a good mother. Living my life to the fullest and keeping my mom’s memory alive for my children, a promise I made to her, is my way of remembering and honoring my mom and her life. So even though there are times I want to get off this crazy ride and go back to the past, I won’t. I would be dishonoring my mom’s memory and all that she did for me by not living the best life I can and sharing memories of the times I spent with my mom. There are a lot of good ones. I love you, Mom.